Being from New York, I have the right to rip on New Jersey as much as humanly possible. But what about non-New York residents?
It is my goal to provide every state with its own New Jersey - a state to make its citizens feel better about themselves. So I give you my Jersey List:
But first, let's start with New York. You get New Jersey, because it is the original New Jersey. Staten Island is also yours if you tell the world that Giuliani got rid of all the homeless people by secretly killing them.
Connecticut: You get Rhode Island. Sorry, guys, but size does matter. Massachusetts: You can have Maine. Stephen King picked a desolate, isolated place as the setting for all of his novels for a reason. New Hampshire: Take Vermont. You have the nation's first primary and they don't. Also, your state motto kicks ass. Rock on, New Hampshire.
Maryland: You get Delaware. It basically belongs to you anyway. Pennsylvania: Pennsylvania is fortunate enough to have absorbed its original Jersey, Western Pennsylvania. But if you need a replacement Jersey, I have to give you Ohio. Sorry, Ohio, Pennsylvania has more electoral votes.
Virginia: West Virginia, clearly. WV broke off because slavery was a dumb idea. It's been downhill ever since. North Carolina: Your homeslice is South Carolina. They started the Civil War; it's hard to lose to that.
Florida: Yours is Georgia. Atlanta doesn't count as an entire state. Also, Florida has Disney World and tons of old people.
Alabama and Mississippi are tied: Mississippi has a dumb name and the lowest average IQ (85) of all 50 states. Alabama has the largest NASCAR track. I can't decide which is worse.
Kentucky: You get Tennessee. They sound funny, and you made KFC. Sort of. Illinois: You get Indiana. This is the closest NY-NJ reference available. Illinois has Chicago, and Indiana has...corn and beans. Michigan: Yours is Wisconsin. You have Detroit; they have fat people.
Minnesota: You're Canada's New Jersey. And building the largest mall was a stupid idea.
North Dakota: You get South Dakota. South Dakota has Mount Rushmore, but that's a stupid landmark anyway. Besides, North Dakota has the highest beer consumption per capita! North Dakota, I salute you!
Nebraska: Oklahoma. You may be boring as hell, but at least you're not shaped like a weird-looking pan. Missouri: Arkansas. They both kind of suck, but St. Louis had Mark McGuire. I suppose that's enough to tip it.
Kansas: You're not a state. Sorry. Evolution is real, even though it's just a theory. Texas: You get Louisiana. You're a pretty horrible state, executing a mentally handicapped person and all, but considering that Louisiana is now a gigantic puddle, I guess you win.
New Mexico: Totally Arizona. Bill Richardson > John McCain. Plus, Bill Richardson is a Tufts alum. Go Jumbos!
Colorado: Utah's all yours. You have Coors, Rockies, skiing and South Park. Utah has a Salt Lake and too many morals. Lame.
Montana: You can have Wyoming. You're a horrible state, but at least you have more than 490,000 people. Also, Wyoming has a total of one four-year college. And it's a box. Who wants to live in a big, boring box?
Idaho: You're everybody's New Jersey. Go sit in a corner. Oregon: Washington. Oregon has legalized medical marijuana. Washington has rain. California: Nevada. Movie stars versus old, alcoholic gamblers. Although Nevada gets honorable mention for the hookers.
And finally, Hawaii: Have Alaska. Hawaii is the best state ever. Alaska is cold, remote, and home to both Ted Stevens and Mike Gravel. Put another way, it's a breeding ground for crazy people.
Dave Adams is a freshman majoring in political science and economics. He can be reached at David.Adams@tufts.edu.
