Dear Yuantee,
Nothing gets me going like the feeling of a big wad of cold, hard cash in my back pocket. Unfortunately, I haven't had that feeling in a while. I'm broke. I spent all my money on booze, burritos from Anna's and a taxi home from Winter Bash because the bus system was so poorly managed by the school and I had to pee. You seem to know basically everything, Yuantee. I need bills. What should I Zhu?
-Poor on Packard
P.P.,
My favorite question. I've got a few thoughts. Hopefully you'll find them helpful.
Your most lucrative option is probably the age-old moneymaking guarantee: buying alcohol for underclassmen and charging a steep overhead commission. I did some research for you and talked to my microeconomics professor about the situation. Basically, it boils down to simple supply and demand. The demand for booze is high, particularly if you're not a freshman who enjoys frats way more than you should.
If you assume that around 65 to 70 percent of the Tufts population is under the age of 21, and approximately 97 percent of said minors drink alcohol on a binge drinking level (just look at the administration's honorable handling of NQR — clearly, we must all have been wasted to take our clothes off and go running around the quad in the freezing cold), then you've got well over 1,000 potential customers.
Even if you do business with only a fraction of this population, you can charge a modest 20 percent on top of the price of the alcohol and average about $200 to 250 of sales per weekend, leaving you with somewhere between $40 to $50 per weekend. That should pretty much cover your own booze and burrito costs each week.
Of course, if you want to start turning big profits after your personal expenses, find more customers. But remember, going too far over 20 percent commission is a potential turnoff for buyers. Personally, I've found great success at 15 percent, but I only drink three-for-$12 wine specials, and while I understand your Anna's obsession, I'm a Helen's man myself. That's the by-the-book method, and you have my guarantee that it will work.
Despite the guaranteed success of this business endeavor, its extremely illegal nature is such that you definitely shouldn't do this. Don't worry, though; I have a few other ideas.
You could get a job, but a quick cost-benefit analysis reveals that the amount of time it takes to fill out an application and W-2 form, as well as — in worst-case scenarios — having to go to an interview, is definitely not worth it.
Now, I saw an ad by the music building the other day from a young lady looking for a private clarinet tutor. The lady was looking for a talented clarinetist for private tutoring from three to six hours per week and was willing to pay up to $30 per hour.
The ad also specified that a female instructor was preferred, which could be a problem, but I suggest you just play the gender card and call her a misandrist for hating males and assuming that females are better at the clarinet just because of its phallic nature. She'll probably buckle under the pressure and concede that men can be good at clarinet too, and then it's a total cash cow! But still, no guarantee here.
The one flawless idea I have for you is to build a chicken coop (to house two or three hens) either in the backyard of your house, a grassy area near your dorm or, if need be, in your dorm room. With a chicken farm, you'll be able to have eggs for breakfast every morning, which will cut down on your food costs.
You can also sell them, legally, to students and/or townies looking for cheap eggs. Maintenance costs are low. Hens, unlike roosters, are virtually silent, so it will be easy to make sure nobody finds out.
Frankly, it's bulletproof.
And, if all else fails, join the Tufts Community Union Senate. Given the way they've misallocated hundreds of thousands of dollars over the past few years, it probably wouldn't take much to get a few thousand bucks out of them.
At least that's what I would Zhu.
--
Yuantee Zhu is a senior majoring in biology. He can be reached at Yuantee.Zhu@tufts.edu.
