Dear Yuantee,
Two goals: 1) A+ and 2) the professor in my bed. I call him Professor Dreamy, and love all the little things about him, such as the grown-up way he dresses and how his facial hair looks different every class. I think the attraction is mutual. The other day, I visited him during his office hours and he told me he was "very pleased I'd stopped by," while staring at my chest and attempting to hide his erection. Needless to say, the sexual tension was apparent. He may be twice my age, but he's definitely younger than my dad. I want him, Yuantee. My GPA and BAMF status are at stake here. What should I Zhu?
-Horny in Halligan
HH,
I've been waiting for this question, mostly because I once found myself in a very similar situation in high school. Since then, I've been secretly, eagerly anticipating sharing this story with my readers.
Around this time my senior year, I fell in love with a freshman who had seduced me. She was a cheerleader, and I was captain of the chess team. Long story short, she played the Queen's Gambit, and I took her with my castle. From there, it was checkmate. It was love. It was fleeting. It ended. It's a story I love to remember. It's a story from which I always learn something new.
The bottom line: Seducing Dreamy is a great move. Plus, unlike the character from my story, you're a legal adult. Act like one. Dress to impress. You're seeing him in class, not at 123's "Call On Me" party. So keep it classy.
You've got to do things that will appeal to a man of his generation. For instance, make sure he catches you smoking cigarettes before class and rolling them during. After class, connect with him on a personal level. Find out if he's married. If he is, ask him out to coffee. If he's not, ask him for drinks. And, of course, make sure to grow out your pubic hair in anticipation of things escalating quickly.
At this point, I'm sure you have some doubts, and I can understand them. But let me assure you, you have nothing to be worried about. I asked some of my smartest female friends, all graduating "cum laude," and they all tell me most Tufts professors are hung like Jesus. True Jumbos.
Assuming your seduction proves successful, your grades should hold up so long as you don't get tired of him. Keep things exciting. Do your homework before each "date" so you can talk dirty by quoting course material, whether it is Jane Austen, the periodic table or recursion loops. He'll like to be quizzed on it.
Play lots of Poison, and even more of Earth, Wind & Fire, during lovemaking (I recommend EWF's "Fantasy" (1978)). And if you really want to lock him down, tell him you're on birth control when you're actually not (just kidding). But seriously, there are a few musts: Show up at least five minutes late for every class. Guys like a girl who makes them sweat from a mix of anxiety and sexual anticipation. The punctual ones always seem too eager. The more class you miss, the more of an excuse you have to spend time with him outside of class. Then, at first opportunity, introduce him to your parents. They will surely be proud of you, both for your GPA and for having such a successful boyfriend.
The pieces are set. You need to push your pawns and corner his king. Then whisper in his ear something dirty along the lines of "checkmate." BAMF!
At least, that's what I would Zhu.
--
Yuantee Zhu is a senior majoring in biology. He can be reached at Yuantee.Zhu@tufts.edu.
