Greetings Tufts University class of 2011, and welcome to the real world, the ultra-depressing, decidedly non-MTV reality check that, when you cross that stage and accept your hard-earned diploma, will surely smack you right across that East Coast-educated face until you cry the sorrowful tears of unemployment and sob your way right back into your parents' basement, finally free to waste away on pizza bagels and Funyuns without academic consequences looming over your head.
I know, it's quite sobering to realize that your current chances of finding a job in this economy are slimmer than … well … your current chances of finding a job in this economy. But fear not, Jumbo alums, because we at the Live From Mudville Career Center, through numerous anonymous sources, have obtained quite the collection of wanted ads from potential employers for you recent grads. Applications must include résumés, references and a stool sample. But please, no cookies. You should have learned your lesson when you got rejected from Harvard because you sent the admissions office Snickerdoodles. And because of that, you had to go to Tufts. That was foolish.
WANTED: Comparative religions instructor, Washington Redskins: Seeking a potential educator with an interest in teaching religions, preferably with a concentration in Judaic Studies, to instruct Dan Snyder on what actually constitutes anti-Semitism, as well as the difference between the Devil's horns and Jewish horns. Experience not necessary — we will grossly overpay you regardless of your previous employer or reputation. Contract will be for seven classes, but, in the interest of disclosure, you will be likely be benched after one and subsequently released following the semester. Washed-up applicants preferred.
WANTED: Nap time supervisor, China: Seeking a qualified supervisor to oversee nap time for the Chinese women's gymnastics team. A part-time position; will only be needed after practices and before the Olympics. A background in child development a must, as well as a bubbly personality capable of handling six prepubescent girls. Stereo for lullabies will be provided. Other tasks include story-reading, timeout-giving and juice box-distributing.
WANTED: Official tribal liaison, Cleveland Indians: Searching for an American Indian whose name is not an onomatopoeia to serve as an official representative of Major League Baseball to the people we viciously demean with our horrendously offensive logo. Ethnic and racial sensitivity a plus. Also might be called upon to occasionally serve as Shin-Soo Choo's personal driver.
WANTED: Executive editor of social media, everywhere: Job description: Will sit in a massive control room, kind of like Morgan Freeman in "The Dark Knight" (2008), and monitor tweets from every athlete ever, checking for any misspellings, irrational comments or thoughtless 140-character-long ejaculations. Qualifications: Basic computer knowledge, as well as common knowledge (i.e., the knowledge of what will offend the general public).
WANTED: Meditative guru, Los Angeles Lakers: Seeking spiritual teacher to oversee meditation training and instruction with free-falling National Basketball Association club. Specialization in meditation, astral travel and truth-finding a plus. Will regularly teach yogic practices to entire team, as well as one-on-one sessions with Andrew Bynum to help control whatever weird rage problem he seems to have developed. Fluency in English, Spanish and Phil Jackson absolutely essential.
NEEDED: Athletics enthusiasts, Tufts University: Seeking fans to come to games for the following Div. III sports teams: all of them.
Don't like the above-listed careers? Here are some others that are open for application but didn't make the final cut: Zamboni waxer; human end-zone pylon; Hungry, Hungry Hippo feeder for Milton Bradley; on-call pallbearer for the Oakland Raiders; official bird-watcher for the Arizona Cardinals; Goodyear Blimp co-pilot; and John Madden translator.
So go forth, fellow Jumbos, and see what lies in store within this grand world of opportunity. I can't wait to see you next year when you creepily return for Spring Fling.
