Dear Jack and Hannah, I arrived in college expecting a significant change in my love life — that is, to start having any semblance of one at all. Unfortunately, this does not seem to be the case, and I remain regrettably single and even more regrettably celibate. My question, therefore, commences thusly: How do I make every Tufts girl lust after me? Thanks for your help, Lonely in Lewis
Bro. First of all, your question is 69 words long. Nice work! (Note: Hannah doesn't really get why this is funny.) But seriously, don't overthink this. Perhaps your swag is a bit underdeveloped, or maybe you suffer from chronically, acutely low self−esteem. We can't say for sure.
Hannah, being a girl, happens to know a thing or two about what girls find attractive in guys. Jack would like you to know that he has no trouble getting ladies, but he can't explain why. So we'll leave it to the fairer sex to dole out the advice. If you adhere to the following rules, you'll be sure to have the women (or at least Hannah) flocking to you in no time:
Take a class in the Community Health Program. There is such a scarcity of CH males that the magnetic pull you exert on females will increase about ninefold. Girls will probably be sitting on your lap. In fact, you should probably just bring your iPod and ask that cute one next to you to dance, in fact just ask her out on a date. There is nothing, literally nothing, more romantic than discussing vectors of disease over a candlelit dinner of filet mignon with blue cheese butter and truffle oil pommesfrites, and maybe some football on TV. (Sorry. Jack wrote that section and got distracted.) But you get the point.
Sweater vests. Ohhhhhh baby, if you can pull that off, you are SET.
Go for the pizza slices with stuff on them. There is a pretty strong correlation between your adventurousness in epicurean pursuits and your general spontaneity. Girls dig spontaneity. If you're too afraid to put neat things on your plate, your lady friends will assume you're too lame to try crazy cool things in real life. Cheese pizza can be a real deal−breaker. At least let the tomatoes be in chunks or something.
Always be down for a dance party. They are not just for the weekends, you know. Anytime there's music playing is fair game.
Master the Jurassic Park theme on the Ocarina iPhone app. You'll have her feeling love struck and woozy in no time.
If you're an upperclassman after a freshman, don't ask her to guest meal you in all the time, unless you're really, really good looking. You don't want to push your luck.
And finally, be funny, but not, like, too funny. You know, sometimes a girl needs her guy to be serious and sensitive. But not all the time. You just have to find the right balance. Like, if a girl is feeling a little down, she really needs to feel appreciated, but at the same time you don't want to totally coddle her. It's all about balance. A little goofy is fun sometimes, but you don't want to be, like, weird or anything. All we're ever really asking for is someone to care for us and listen to us and like our favorite TV shows and rub our feet when they're sore and tell us that Jessica is such a b−word and it wasn't our fault and gaze lovingly into our eyes and promise to hold us forever.
Hope that helped! If it didn't, shoot Hannah a call.
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Jack Webster and Hannah Furgang are
both freshmen who have not yet declared
a major. Jack can be reached at John.
Webster@tufts.edu and Hannah can be
reached at Hannah.Webster@tufts.edu.
