College Campuses Offer Free Speech!*

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Breaking News: A group of students has been offended. Allegedly, they were stereotyped by an individual, prompting them to alert campus authorities.

Speaking on the situation, TUPD officer Guy Hoosreal said, “I wasn’t surprised that the suspect was wearing a Patagonia fleece monogrammed with Greek letters. He seemed like just the type of individual that would engage in offensive stereotyping.”

The recent offense was not the first of its kind. In 2014, a 7-offense pile-up occurred on campus when a microeconomics professor committed what’s known as a “micro-aggression,” which involves asking students how many pieces of sushi a Japanese firm must produce per day to maximize profits.

What has contributed to the massive uptick in college offendings? Some liberals suggest a correlation to the ease of acquiring a sense of humor without a background check. They point to the fact that, in Britain, only a few individuals nationwide engage in humour, and the rate of hurt feelings there is comparatively low.

Donald Trump, on the other hand, suggests a link between the rising sensitivity of individuals and the recently administered flu vaccine. He explained, “Look at me. I’m not vacc- *cough* I’m not vaccinated against anything and I can - *coughs up blood* withstand the criticism of a whole nation! *confidently passes out from diphtheria*”

Perhaps most unhappily privy to collegiate sensitivity are comedians. Jerry Seinfeld, famed star of the show Seinfeld and person I’m using to make a potentially sensitive point for me, has opined that college students are too quick to take offense to jokes and chide comics. Seinfeld’s animosity toward what is being termed “victimhood culture” might have begun when he asked a college audience “What’s the deal with airline food?” prompting the crowd to audibly gasp, remembering vividly the time when their flight from San Francisco had no gluten free entrée.

Looking to protect students from such offensive jokes, last week, the managing board of The Tufts Daily pulled from circulation a satirical piece. The cut column, penned by a staff writer who could totally grow a beard but just doesn’t want to, discussed racial tension and police misconduct.

Despite the satire -- entitled “Graphic Footage Captures Police and Black Man Getting Along Swimmingly” -- being largely a criticism of a racist police force, the managing board cut it, finding it “inappropriate for a white columnist to joke about Black Lives Matter and police brutality.” White columnists, obviously, should limit their discussion to topics put forth in the helpful acronym, WHITE: Watersports, Halo 5, Interior design, Trump and Entertainment Weekly.

For a white speaker nowadays, attempting to discuss prominent social issues can leave you gingerly acrobatting through the minefield that is on-campus social discourse. While you focus on dodging booby traps (breast traps, sorry!), you’re reminded to check your privilege. Pro tip: “What, why, do I have a smudge?” is NOT considered an acceptable response.