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The Tufts Daily
Where you read it first | Tuesday, March 5, 2024

The Art of Good Soup: Lester v. Reese, 2022


Good morning, Your Honor. We’re now calling the case of Lester v. Reese. Today we’ll be having a hearing on the matter of chowder; are both parties present and ready to proceed? 

Lester: Yes, Your Honor. 

Reese: We’re ready, Your Honor. 

Lester: Who’s ‘we?’ You’re alone. 

Reese: That’s how you speak in court, idiot. 

Lester: Shoot, you’re right… anyways. Your Honor, I will now proceed with my opening statement. Good morning, members of the jury. I hope my case finds you well on this marvelous Wednesday morning. Whether you spent last night elbowing townies or… um… reading something? I urge you to recognize the importance of this statement — chowder sucks. Like, it sucks really badly. We come to our soup bowls for—

Reese: Objection, Your Honor. Mizz Lester is speaking lies to the court. I have it on a good faith basis to believe that Mizz Lester has never even tried chowder! 

Lester: Your Honor! Objection squared. Miss-ter Reese is a lying liar who LIES! This is sedition… in a court of LAW nonetheless. If you will permit me to continue, I am here today in good faith that chowder has no place in the soup family. The broth is chunky… so much so that all the comfort and warm ease of the slurper’s slurping is destroyed. Moreover, what say you, Miss-ter Reese, to every lactose intolerant slurper out there, whose fragile stomachs cannot handle the overbearing cream content in your beloved chowder. This is the exact sort of ignorance that one can expect from a whole milk drinker…

Reese: To those lactose intolerant losers I say: Be gone thots! Go away! How dare you attack me for drinking whole milk when you know all too well that I cannot consume almond milk due to my nut allergy. 

Lester: Your Honor, objection! The dairy industry is rife with propaganda. Big Dairy is paying off Miss-ter Reese to make these statements in a court of law. Proceed. 

Reese: Anyslay, my case for chowder is as follows: First, thick milk is yummy in my tummy. I like the way it makes my intestines feel… gooey. Sometimes I need a heavy cream in my mouth just to feel something. And what is wrong with that, Your Honor? Is Mizz Lester insinuating that people who have a desire for cream, or chewiness, are inferior to the slurping citizens of our community? Blasphemy I tell you! I end with this: Who is to say what one can experience when they indulge in the practice of putting their head down and getting to work on a warm… bowl. 

Your Honor, Judge Boyardee: I’ve heard enough — you two are buffoons. I have it on good authority that neither of you have had chowder! Name one chowder other than clam, I dare you to do it! 

Lester: … Chowder? I hardly know her!

Reese: … The show on Cartoon Network. 

Judge Boyardee: I’ll have no more of this inane nonsense! I’m leaving this to you, the jury…