Where do we even begin? Like… what?
What is going ON? Help us out. Here’s the sitch. We are Mr. and Mrs. Struggle. Welcome aboard the struggle bus! Destination: a shortcut from nothing to nothingness.
It was Saturday evening (isn’t it always?) and we had plansies. A hot date in Ellie’s kitchen (we’ll never tell you the address, you creeps) with a smattering of tomato soups from the Greater Boston area.
We had some new characters with us this evening. Misery loves tomato soup loves company, ya know? Anyway, we were all set for the mukBANG of our lives, when suddenly, crisis struck. Actually, it wasn’t that sudden at all. Ellie had stranded herself in Cambridge that morning, and it was a process that slowly progressed over several hours. But yeah, it was sudden.
Sidebar, if you or anyone you know patrons uBreakiFix Cambridge, don’t <3.
In a nutshell, Ellie was unable to secure her soup and Cole was unable to assist her because she was in a nutshell. And by nutshell we mean that she didn’t have a working phone and also a joke about Cole being allergic to nuts. Aren’t we funny? Don’t answer that.
Let’s set the table for you: In the northeast corner, we have Cole. This nut-fearing man came strapped with Panera mac and cheese (a bite of which he kindly shared) and a small but mighty (we don’t discriminate here) cup of tomato soup. In the southeast corner, we have our new character, guest souper and souper fan, if you will (insert name here … digital footprint matters, kids!). She came stocked with a classic boxed tomato soup from Trader Joe’s.
Word has it, the boxed soup was too creamy and lacking in flavor. If any of you can relate … Nonetheless, it contained tomatoes, unlike what appeared in the southwest corner of the table. Ellie was flustered and not at all in the place to secure tomato soup. She had to make a dire decision.
To soup or not to soup, that is the question.
Ellie chose to squeeze her little boots squarely in the middle of this question and consume soup dumplings, which led to an array of questions we’re not sure we have answers to. She eats them like a heathen (sucks the liquid right out and leaves the meat for later).
Our nameless guest was appalled by Ellie’s choice. How faux pas to bring chonky dumps to a tomato soup party!
This quickly led to infighting among the group. Rumor has it Ellie went feral, as one does, and bit our guest squarely on the eyelash. Now Cole walks Ellie from class to class on a leash. It’s bedazzled.
We rate this soup meal 14 spoons. Also, to whoever out there that dares to besmirch the name of good soup, we will find you. Ellie’s coming off her leash. *Disclaimer this is not actually a threat, we are not threatening you.* Ellie is like four feet tall. WE ARE NOT THREATENING YOU.