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The Tufts Daily
Where you read it first | Friday, February 23, 2024

The Art of Good Soup: Souper grateful


You know the drill, babes. We’re back. After a brief hiatus, there were concerns that we were getting too close to the truth (the information police were after us (and by information police we mean our families (and by after us we mean we were home for Thanksgiving))). 

Breaking news. Some girl just walked past us and said “I was a leash kid.” Weird flirting tactic, but okay. 

Anyways, back to business. Erm. So yeah, there’s nothing sexier than your childhood bedroom and a gaggle of old people asking you if you have a girlfriend (spoiler alert: neither of us do). Inside Cole, there are two wolves, grandma. One is gay, and the other is gay. Cole is gay. And there are two gay wolves inside of him. And they are gay. They do things that gay wolves do, like being gay and going to the opera. Because they’re gay, and so is Cole. Get it? Good. 

Basically, that’s how break went. Cole does not have a girlfriend, but he did slurp something! That’s right, last week we got ourselves some piping hot soup from Pho N’ Rice. Cole got some weird cream… and then he came to [insert mystery location] for soup. 

New breaking news! Spotted in [place where hot sexy people write about soup]: a short man running without shoes on. Mmmm, dreamy.

Speaking of, Cole’s cream. Let’s just say the initial cream was the standout whore derb (pardon our French). It was unexpected, but a happy accident nonetheless. Poor, unsuspecting Cole can’t even remember its name! He thought he was in for a quick, light slurp; instead, he unleashed his package to discover something that required a much bigger gulp. You guys… it was, like, thick. And there was coconut?? For an anti-nutter??? Preposterous! 

Ellie kept things classy with [soup that hot people eat]. No, we didn’t forget the name of the soup she ordered, that’s just what it’s called, silly. If you didn’t know, when a hot person eats soup, her hotness is so strong and overpowering that it overrides all other known properties of that dish, including (but not limited to) its name. 

Anyway, the real tea is… it was a lovely meal. We chatted about times, old and new — stories told and those still being written. We broke bread over the strongest bond there is: a friendship as old as time (and by time we mean last fall #oneyear). 

The word on the street these days is that we’re dating. But you didn’t hear it from us. And we couldn’t think of anyone else who we more wanted to share in our romance than you, fellow soupers. But again, you did not hear that from us. 

Confessions aside, we rate our soups a collective 69 spoons in honor of our favorite pastime, eating eachoth– WITH… eating with each other. And if this column gave you whiplash today, good. That’s our prerogative, babes. Stay on your toes and off your knees, as they say.