Confessions of a junkie
November 17Here's a riddle: What's the one thing every kid in Miller has besides Prada shoes and cotton mouth? What's the one think every guy in a frat has besides a forty-inch neck and a bad case of the Clap? What's the one thing every IR major on campus has besides straight B's and a ticket for the unemployment line? Simple: A video game addiction -- and I know you've got it, because I've got it just as bad. Yep, when our parents sent us away to those prissy little New England prep schools, they never dreamed that one day we'd come down with a chemical dependency scientifically proven to be four bajillion times as deadly as heroine, meth, and rhesus monkey fur combined. My drug of choice is the soccer game FIFA 2003, and I take it straight up -- on the X-Box. My roommate and I play at least three twenty-minute games a day, at least. The freshmen across the hall from me estimated they play between seven and ten hours of Madden 2004 each week. They usually play two games a day, but "three if somebody is pissed," one of them said. I would venture to say, no make that guarantee, that playing video games takes up more of my time than anything else I do some days, including sleeping. The first step in any twelve-step addiction program is recognizing and admitting that you have a problem. Well, my friends, I am an addict. But for some reason, I don't really have any intention of moving on to the next step. I am fully aware that the voices of John Motson and John Madden have become more familiar to me than the voices of my close relatives. I am fully aware that I become slightly aroused when the guy comes on and says, "EA Sports, it's in the game." And I am fully aware that if I never graduate from Tufts, it won't be because I never took math or science. Nope, it'll be because I had my fingers surgically attached to the controller and a feeding tube shoved down my throat so I never have to move away from the screen. Whether you get your fix with NHL 2K2 for Dreamcast, NFL Blitz or Mario Tennis for N64, or NBA Jam for Super Nintendo, here's a quick checklist so you can rate you own dependency. You get one point for each "yes" answer. Feel free to e-mail me any additions to the list or hilarious video game-related stories. 1. Have you ever laid in bed at night and not been able to fall asleep because you're picturing moves you would do or plays you would call in the game? 2. Have you ever, when watching a real sports game, screamed at your team's coach, "Why didn't you push A, you freaking moron?" 3. Have you ever returned from class at 10 p.m. with a seven-page paper due the next day and said to yourself, "I can play a few games before I start working?" 4. Have you ever, when making a move on a member of the opposite sex, whispered, "Your graphics are very realistic?" 5. Have you ever pulled the fire alarm in your building just to wake up the kid down the hall with the PS2? 6. Have you ever said the following over the phone: "Um, mom, I know we need to talk about my underage drinking ticket, but I'm on a power play right now and I really need a goal?" By the way, I've already had to stop writing this column twice to play my roommate in FIFA. 7. Have you ever missed the first few minutes of a class because the game went into overtime, and then ditched the whole class because somebody wanted a rematch? 8. Have you ever gotten so competitive you start complaining about screw ups in the programming by saying things like, "Are you kidding me? You can't do that on a grass court?" 9. Have you ever told your parents, "Yeah, I'm getting plenty of exercise at school -- I play basketball with my friends every night?" 10. Have you ever had to call TEMS for carpal tunnel syndrome? 11. Have you ever destroyed school property in a fit of rage and blamed it on "that horse s**t pass interference call?" If you scored between zero and three points, your rank is Any Freshman from California. Between four and six -- Peace and Justice Studies major, and between seven and ten -- Rush Limbaugh fan club member. If you answered yes to all of the questions, you are so chemically dependent that you are now officially eligible for next year's Major League Baseball draft.

