Two sport stars part deux
November 25As a reminder, I've decided to make a top ten list of professional athletes, the sports they currently play, the sport I'd like to see them play, and the odds that they would succeed at their new sports. Last week I only made it through three athletes, so without further ado... Michael Jordan: Okay, "His Airness" (currently grounded in his old age) is clearly the best basketball player ever _ bar none. He's done the two sport thing before, after his first retirement from the NBA, when he played minor league baseball for the BirmingHamm Barons. If he had given himself another year or two, I'd bet my maroon 1996 Toyota Camary that he would have made it to the majors _ because of his talent and not simply because of his name. He's also a fairly decent golfer. I've heard that he's beaten Charles Barkley a few times _ but, I don't suppose that says much, as "Sir Charles" is more likely to be confused with a whale than with an athlete. He'd probably make a believable beef jerky salesman though. So what sport would I want to see the greatest athlete of all time try? Beirut. Odds: 3:1. In his younger days, when he could jump I'd probably say that Jordan would probably struggle at this sport. While his vertical was awe inspiring, his jump shot left much to be desired. But, like any diligent athlete, Jordan worked to make himself (and more specifically his J) better and, even as he approaches age 40, his jumper is still lethal. Though he has been known to smoke a cigar or two here and there, to be in the condition that he is in, Jordan probably doesn't have much experience with heavy drinking. Therefore, I'd predict that Jordan would be dominant at the beginning of a night of Beirut, but by the end of the evening he might be too Hammmered to play successfully, kind of like my friend Josh Gold at AEPi on any given Saturday night. Still I'll give Jordan, the greatest athlete of the century, the benefit of the doubt and predict that his Beirut career would be an unequivocal success. Mia Hamm: One thing is for sure, Hamm is not the soccer equivalent of Anna Kournikova. Yes, Hamm is nearly as hot, but the fact of the matter is that this stunner actually has game on the field. She may or may not spit some game off the field, as well, but spitting game is a topic more suitable for a features or sex column _ so I won't go there. As perhaps the best women's soccer player in American history and one of the greatest female athletes of all time, Hamm has nothing left to prove in the world of sports. But, which sport would I like to see her compete in? Tennis. Odds: 5:1. I'll admit straight up that my motives for wanting Hamm to play tennis are purely selfish and have a lot to do with Anna Kournikova. I'm sure that you are probably expecting something a little offbeat right now and maybe a little sexist _ I won't disappoint you. First let me say, however, that Hamm is a true athlete and would probably succeed in any sport. Having said that, I'd like to see Hamm and Kournikova compete in a tennis match _ on national television. Not only would it be one of the most highly anticipated sporting events of all time, but if Hamm could somehow defeat Kournikova (and this scenario is entirely possible given Kournikova's well documented struggles on the tennis court) it might encourage the goddess named Anna to find a new line of work. As I mentioned in my previous column, I'd like to see Ms. Kournikova serve as a cheerleader and perhaps, having a soccer player thrash her in tennis would encourage her to move into that line of work sooner rather than later. Barry Bonds: Bonds is undoubtedly the best baseball player of our generation and he is also one of the biggest jerks in Major League history. From what I've read, it's common practice for Bonds to report to the stadium on game day, blow off stretching with his teammates, flick off a few reporters, cuss a few fans, get in a fight with Jeff Kent, and then hit two home runs to lead the Giants to victory. (Okay, I exaggerated a tad.) So which sport would I like to see this half machine half jerk play? Mime. Odds: 55:1. Bonds definitely has the coordination and the discipline to excel in the world of mime as evidenced by his prowess in the field and his patience at the plate. Bonds also has a few good moves where he doesn't use his mouth such as the flicking of the bird and the grabbing of the crotch. Unfortunately, though I don't know any mime fans, I'd imagine there are some, and that they are probably fairly classy and wouldn't care much for Bonds' vulgar performance. Perhaps, Bonds would have more success as an x-rated mime. Lisa Leslie: This 6'5" Los Angeles Sparks center, the female answer to Shaquille O'Neal, averaged a whopping 21.8 ppg while guiding her team the WNBA CHammpionship in 2002. As much as this pains me _ I'm going to be honest _ I don't really know all that much about Leslie except that she is really, really tall and really, really good at hoops. And, one time I saw her appear as a contestant on Who Wants to be a Millionaire? So which sport would I like to see this monster of a woman play? NBA basketball. Odds: 25:1. At 6'5," with a skinny build, Leslie would probably be forced to play shooting guard in the NBA. As one of the bigger woman in professional basketball, Leslie has probably been able to rely on her inside game (though I can't say for sure because I have only seen her play once), but in the NBA she would have to operate more from the perimeter. Though I don't think that Leslie has the ball-handling skills or the jumper to make the transition, I would like nothing more than to see Leslie hit a fadeaway in the eye of Latrell Sprewell. I'd be willing to bet that Spree would attempt to choke her for showing him up or that he would throw an ill-advised punch at Leslie and end up breaking his hand _ again. I hate when this happens. Sadly, it's time for me to end this column, because my word count is already well over 1,000 words and anything else I say will probably be cut. So, I guess we'll just make it a top seven list. Deal with it. Daniel Fowler can be reached at fowler@tuftsdaily.com.

