With Billy Joel playing our very own Cohen Auditorium this evening, it's hard to imagine what might happen. Sure, sure, nothing might happen. He could come, play, and leave. That'd be just fine, and Tufts will have gotten something for its $35,000. For that much dough, though, I would like to think we've got something even more eventful, something pretty darned fantastic in store for us.
What have you got for us, Billy? Give us something to be proud of, something to tell our friends back home when we return for Thanksgiving next week: "You'll never guess what happened when Billy Joel came to play at Tufts..." Our university ought to prepare for its ascension, climbing the hierarchical ladder of coolness, passing other institutions of higher education and leaving them to stare at our butt as we move higher and higher. Surely, it is tonight's concert that will get us going.
I wonder what the piano man has in store for us?
Scenario 1: The Entertainer(s)
Wouldn't it be cool if he brought a friend or friends? I can see it now, Joel and his buddies (all of whom are very famous musicians) are all hanging at the AmeriSuites in Medford: Joel, because he's got the concert tonight; his friends, just because they're taking an extended Veterans' Day vacation and want to chill with their buddy. I can imagine how the conversation went last night...
Billy Joel: So, friends, I am going to play at Tufts tomorrow. I'm really excited. I've always wanted to play Cohen.
Paul Simon: Ah, wow! Cohen! Billy, you're gonna love it. Your evening sounds much more exciting than what I have planned for tonight: sitting around and doing nothing, like the rock that I am.
Elton John: Yeah, Cohen really is a sweet venue. The acoustics are great, and those seats with the pull-out desks will allow your listeners to take copious notes.
Eric Clapton: Hey, yeah, you do seem to have quite an evening ahead of you. All those students will be awfully impressed because you really do look wonderful tonight. We'll be thinking of you while we sit here together doing nothing, as our various instruments also sit here unused. Sigh.
Britney Spears: Yeah, maybe we can go for a walk in Medford Square. I have a friend over 21 who can buy us some booze and we can go get plastered in the park, eh?
Joel: Oh Britney, don't do that! Oh Paul, oh Elton, oh Eric, oh Bob, why don't you join me tonight at Cohen? We can all perform together.
Bob Dylan: Really?! Do you think they'll mind? I mean they did pay for you, Billy, and who are we but just some of your lazy friends?
Joel: Oh Bob, don't think twice, it's alright.
Scenario 2: Movin' Outside
Surprised at Cohen's small size in comparison to the recent venues at other schools, Joel will wonder, discouraged, if he had made a mistake. "There aren't even 500 students here and that is for whom I sing!" But then an idea will come to him and being a man of action, Joel will make it happen. Using his Herculean strength and a piano on wheels, Joel will push his instrument off the stage, up the aisle, move outside, make a left on Talbot, a right on Latin Way, a left on Professors Row and then carefully up the steps behind Ballou until he's reached the quad. The entire student body, faculty, staff, and administrators will fill the vast grassy space, while Joel sits down to play for well over four hours from his entire catalogue in chronological order.The Tufts community is smitten - not a single student has a single negative comment for Joel. Then, for his final encore sometime around 12:30 a.m., Joel performs "New York State of Mind." Attempting to be clever, he replaces the word "New York" with "Tutts," mispronouncing the name of our university and revealing a considerable ignorance of the very venue in which he had chosen to end this mini-tour. The University trustees, wishing to avoid any awkwardness or possible disrespect for the rock god, have an emergency meeting and officially alter the school's charter, changing our name forever to Tutts University.
Scenario 3: Rappin' it up
Just before going onstage, Joel overhears rumors that a number of students were upset that the Fall Rap Show was cancelled to make this concert possible. Always eager to please, sick of performing the same old pop hits, and disappointed at the poor response to his classical work, Joel uses this Tufts performance as an opportunity to debut his latest attempt at reinvention: rap versions of his greatest hits. The musician walks on stage wearing baggy pants; what hair he has left is bleached blond. He refers to himself in third person as "Willy J" and launches into a rendition of "Cap'n Jack and Cap'n Yo Ass." Though taken aback at first, the audience seems to dig his new look and style. The show's highlights include a performance of "Say Goodbye to Hollywood" dedicated to all of his "West Coast homies," and his final encore, "Uptown Bitch."So what is actually going to happen tonight? Who knows. Whatever it is, though, I hope we're ready for it. All this hype, all this excitement, all this Joel-mania - I'm feeling a little ragged, a little under pressure. It's about time that lucky regular crowd shuffles into Cohen and forgets about life for a while.
