I have been thinking of a new theme for the state of Massachusetts. My first ideas were of grand things, like "freedom," or "sex," but unfortunately both have been taken. Freedom has been usurped by New Hampshire ("Live Free or Die"), and Missouri ("The Show Me State") has adopted a voyeuristic sex theme.
After thinking further I have settled upon a distinctly Massachusetts theme to replace the boring geographical credo of "The Bay State." The new theme shall be merging. That's right folks: "Massachusetts: the merging state." It'll be an added tourist attraction: "You haven't merged until you have merged in Massachusetts."
Any Tufts student, whether they have been here for a few months or for three years, has had to undergo the perilous task of merging on Massachusetts roadways. Massachusetts is obsessed with merging. There is probably a State Committee on merging, under the jurisdiction of the ever-powerful Committee on Rotaries. I thought about going to the State House to find out if we do have such a government entity, but it turned out to be easier just to make one up. Here is a quotation from my 'interview' with the committee chairman.
"The theme of merging is an excellent idea. We all must merge more often, and in any way possible. Merging is the very essence of Massachusetts driving, and indeed, of Massachusetts life. Oops, sorry, did I bump into you there?" he said while walking down the hall at the Massachusetts State House. "There will only be more merging to come," he continued, before getting fired for embezzling funds destined for the Big Dig, and using State House employees to take care of his dog.
The words of the chairman demonstrate the fact that the theme of merging is a timely one. You see, the capital of Massachusetts is undergoing a transportation transformation. The city of Boston, in a project whose cost equals the GNP of the entire European Union, is building new roads - lots of 'em. Bridges seem to be sprouting up everywhere, often leading to nowhere. We are soon to have the Cable Street Bridge, unique because it is supported by cables. Then there is going to be the burying of the Central Artery and the increased use of the Ted Williams Tunnel.
All of these are going to involve new merges, and in the meantime, the construction is squeezing in more and more merging opportunities. For example, due to the construction, a portion of I-93 North from Storrow Drive is now a one lane "temporary" bridge whose shape is akin to a bobsled track. The temporary bridge winds itself parallel next to a larger bridge, through a randomly placed gravel company, only to merge with the main highway once again. We should try it in the snow; it is going to be awesome.
Perhaps the merging theme is best demonstrated through a larger example. Three weeks ago I did the most dangerous thing any Tufts student can do. I should be given a damn medal for what I did. I drove from Swampscott, MA (disclosure: Swampscott is my hometown) to Logan Airport, and then on to Tufts. I counted 12 merges in the 18-mile stretch, along with two rotaries. The actual number is probably significantly higher, but I lost count of the merges involved while driving around Logan Airport. Right next to Terminal A, I got cut off by a Hertz Rent-A-Car bus and almost started up a bridge that hasn't been completed and would have dropped me 50 feet into a large pit. I may have "the world's first sport utility wagon," but that was a little too much for my taste.
I have learned that there are certain strategies to merging. On that particular journey, I got to try out many of them. One method preferred by many Bostonians is to simply shove your way into the stream of traffic. That's all there is to it, you just go. I tried that conceited strategy while going around Bell Circle in Revere, a rotary that averages three accidents per hour. There is a police car that sits on the "adopt an island" and just waits for the carnage, and an ambulance that is constantly on Bell Circle duty, waiting at the nearby Dunkin' Donuts. Anyway, I decided that I needed to get in the left lane to go to the airport, so I just swerved left without looking. That strategy resulted in a honk, and in an obscene gesture by what I am sure is an otherwise lovely young lady, but I succeeded: I got into the correct lane.
The system of roads feeding into the overflowing Logan Airport allowed me to try out some other approaches. The airport roadways are a conspiracy. I am convinced that the same people who design mazes for laboratory mice designed these. The designers have video cameras all over the place, recording the action. You thought those cameras were for public safety? Nonsense! We are all part of a large social experiment. The Daily has obtained a memo sent from the design firm to the Massachusetts Department of Transportation (MDOT).
"Hmmm. What if we take five lanes and narrow them to a half, put in a rotary, and mount the terminal codes and airport layout maps in that stretch as well, so that as the drivers are merging they will be distracted. And then we can hit them with the rotary and the choice between the international departures and arrivals, or just the international departures. Yeah, that would be cool. Oh, and put lots of rental car places in that same area also. Now we're talking." The memo is marked, "Approved."
There are rumors that data from this experiment goes to the American Council on Merging (ACM), because every merging strategy is on display in that one little area. It is a microcosm of a merging America. During my transit through the area I got to try out my "Who Me?" approach. This consists of driving at a moderate speed, taking both hands off the wheel, and raising them as if you are asking a question of the other drivers. You then look both ways while slowly drifting into the desired lane, and before you know it, you have merged. This approach is also good for people who are in denial about their merging reality, because it offers the illusion that you don't have to do anything. Just throw up your hands, and go, all the while thinking, "It is not in the other cars' best interest to hit me. I'll be fine."
I should warn you however, that this approach should not be tried while dueling with a Hertz Rent-A-Car bus. Thus, an important amendment to the rule: Never merge with a vehicle bigger than you. Instead, you should come to a complete and sudden stop, wait 30 seconds longer than you need to, and something more your size is bound to come along. Same idea goes for dating, but that is for another column.
Another method of merging that I tried is what I call "schizophrenic hesitation." My mother is a big fan of this approach. Basically you act like you are going to just go for it and cut someone off, but right when you get to the point where your passenger braces himself, you stop short, yell at the person who had the right of way, and then hit the gas once they are by, thereby cutting off the person who was right behind the first car. You then spend the rest of the drive discussing what a jackass that other driver is, and why bad drivers should be shot on sight. It is best to make either of the following statements: "Where are the police when you need them?" or "Can you believe that guy?"
Each approach to merging has its uses, and they should be studied carefully. After all, it is the state theme.
