If "W." wins the election, two things will happen. First of all, I'm moving to Canada with several hundred of my friends, family, and professors. Even though Canadians have beady little eyes and flapping heads (if you were just offended go watch South Park the movie), they're still a smarter bunch than at least half of this country. They'd never elect a bratty little hypocrite (and newly discovered drunk driver) who can't tell the difference between the Middle East and the Near East Caf?©.
So how is Tufts involved? Over a month ago, I mailed in an application for an absentee ballot-well before my state's deadline. I have yet to receive the ballot and I've run out of time to vote for Gore. I live in a house owned by the University, so I still am stuck with the Tufts mail system. In previous years, this just meant receiving mail a week or two after it was sent. This year, when my mail is actually delivered, I usually find it sitting in the mud outside of my house mixed in with plenty of letters addressed to residents in the Chandler House (not my house).
I know that my ballot is either on the Tufts mailroom floor or been eaten by the skunks that live next to the house. Therefore, if "W." wins this election, Tufts can expect a federal lawsuit on its hands.
So with the money Tufts will pay me for losing my ballot and ruining this country, I will open up a safe haven in Canada. This haven will welcome all Democrats, Republicans, conservatives, and liberals as long as they have half a brain, and have at least some respect, for the environment, common sense, and each other.
Four years from now (if we survive that long) "W." need not apply.
Don Schechter, LA '01
