I am suffering from a recurring nightmare. Most people have scary dreams in which a monster attacks them, or where they are abducted by aliens, or where they show up in class wearing nothing except dirty socks. Some Jumbos have recently reported dreams where they are trapped in a room with a drunk Colin Powell as he rattles off his list of accomplishments and compares himself to George Marshall.
Being an odd guy who is highly concerned about biological terrorism and the perils of rapid globalization, I have been having a nightmare about something more frightening. I have visions of an event that promises to undo life as we know it.
That's right folks, I keep dreaming that the food chain reverses itself. A total chaotic reversal: plants snack on people, squirrels attack bears, and anteaters are freed from their extraordinarily limited diet and begin eating everything. Basically, the reversal drags the entire globe into anarchy.
The dream starts off innocently enough: I am walking down Main Street, USA (which I have noticed is closely modeled after Woodstock, VT, a quaint little New England town which I frequented during my more frivolous days) as people go about their business on a sunny spring day. Mothers are strolling their infants along the sidewalk, pushing their carriages up to storefront windows to peer at the merchandise with titles like "Vermont Flannel" and "Creamery Ice Cream." Some older children are playing in a park adjacent to a babbling brook. No one seems to notice me, nor do they pick up on the fact that I am in my pajamas and am not wearing any underwear. Then again, how would they know I have no underwear on?
I take a deep breath and feel the pristine country air flow through me, literally, due to the absence of undergarments. I begin wondering how I got here and how I am going to get home without a car, money, and normal clothing. I say to myself, "Don't worry, Andrew, you'll figure something out, maybe this is only a dream."
As I am standing on a corner pondering my predicament, a man in a dark gray suit sporting sunglasses and a Secret Service-style earpiece walks up to me, leans in close, and whispers in my ear: "It's happening." A wave of panic sweeps over me and I feel that I know exactly what he is referring to.
Then I hear a dull roar and a woman's cry for help. I turn to see a dandelion leap out of the ground, dragging oversized roots and a ton of soil with it. It expands and devours a horrified elderly lady who is sitting on a park bench sipping some iced tea. The children in the park begin screaming and running as birds of various species attack them from above, including seagulls, which for some reason are in Vermont on this day.
I dart into the town's bookstore, where an author is signing his book entitled: The Coming Food Chain Reversal. He is a slender man with a sullen, pale face that seems to retreat into itself. He smiles and, pointing to the mounting chaos outside says to me, "This should help sales a bit, don't you think?" Then a squirrel who is smoking a cigar calmly opens the bookstore's door, stands on its hind legs, and says in a British accent, "It's about bloody time!" before slamming the door shut and attacking an elderly man who is attempting to enter the pharmacy across the street. "Don't eat me, I'm old. I can't even vote properly, I'm sure I'll taste bad," the man says. "Tough titties," the squirrel replies before biting in.
I close my eyes and hear sirens and screaming and chopping and chewing and burping. I open my eyes again to see people running and being attacked by chipmunks. Some people try to drive away in their SUVs, only to be stopped by a roadblock comprised of police officers being held hostage by a gang of starving beavers. I smell death, but am suddenly hungry for some plankton. I understand that I have fallen precipitously to the bottom of the food chain.
I wake up.
Why, you ask, am I divulging my recurring nightmare in this column space? Because it is frickin' weird, that's why. People say that all dreams are representative of something. If it is true that dreams reflect some version of reality, then what should I make of this one? Should I be worried that the food chain is going to reverse itself one day? You're damn right I should! I even have shoddy evidence to support my point.
The magnetic polarity of the earth has reversed itself numerous times throughout history, a fact that can be found in the geologic record. (Paula Abdul should have titled her song, "Opposites Attract Although Sometimes They Switch But Remain Opposites So Thus They Still Attract"). Sure, this happens on a gradual basis, but maybe the food chain is undergoing subtle changes as well. In my opinion, there is a precedent for monumental reversals.
Last month, I turned on the Learning Channel at 2 a.m. after asking myself the question, "What does the Learning Channel show at 2 a.m.?" and was treated to a special on the nation's "Best Kept Secrets." According to the program, the nation's best-kept secret is the fact that, with the consent of the highest levels of the Executive Branch, the US Navy has been training dolphins as fighting machines. The Learning Channel reported that the Navy has trained dolphins to sweep harbors for mines and spot and kill enemy divers. According to the show, whenever the President goes on a boat, the Navy releases dolphins to hunt and kill anyone attempting to harm the President from under the water. Now, is it that much of a stretch for the dolphins to have a taste of their kill? A little nibble perhaps? The reversal could start right there, in the water with a Rambo-like Flipper who goes back and tells his friends that people taste like chicken and that they are missing out on all the fun.
I am especially concerned about my dream because of what it is doing to my daily life. I can't look at a squirrel without thinking of the aristocratic specimen in my dream. I am terrified of dandelions, and of New England towns, and particularly of dandelions in New England towns. Dreams have an effect on people; they skew the concept of reality. You know what I mean. When you have, shall we say, a "stimulating" dream starring a certain someone and you run into that person the next day, there is a little voice in the back of your mind that urges you to say, "I had sex with you in my dream last night. It was wonderful." Well, I see a crow and want to say, "You ate a young boy in my dream last night. It was horrible." I see a dandelion and want to scream out, "Why did you eat that old lady? She didn't do anything to you!" The other day I saw a beautiful woman and shouted, "I want to dream about you, not about food chain reversals! Make me dream about you!"
After she slapped me and called the police, I ran away and stopped for a moment near the statue of Jumbo the elephant. I could swear he spoke to me. He said, "Someday young Jumbo, my descendants will eat you. Mark my words, I was burned, you will be eaten, all of your classmates will be eaten. It's not just me that thinks so. We all know, all the plants and animals know. We're just waiting for the right moment. Sweet dreams young man... sweet dreams."
