Glitched

"I just spent the semester in Australia and I'm a whole new Chris man and back here people are gonna

"What's your glitch? Have I stepped over some line in the sands of coolness with you, because excuse me if somebody doesn't know the secret handshake with you."

Encountering people returning from abroad is a dicey matter.

You usually realise when you're talking to someone who thinks they're better than you are, but you can deal with it by trying to figure out if that's their idea and in turn, thinking you're better than them. But when speaking with people who just returned from studying abroad you know they think they're better than you are - they're not really afraid to say it - and you, who just spent the time in Medford that they spent in another far sexier place, may be inclined to agree with them.

My point is this: this sociological imbalance that exists at Tufts is ridiculous, and should be done away with. And I have a solution to a terrible error that's terribly engrained into a collective psyche. Everyone agrees that abroad students must find a way to convey their experience without leading anyone to infer from them that they think they're the first and last American to leave the States and survive to tell the tale. They must stop thinking that they're all Odysseus - reborn Jumbos.

But it's not going to stop anytime soon, I have no intention of stopping it. I mean, they drive

on the other side of the road here in Scotland. I don't know if it was the kilts, bagpipes, or aforementioned driving system, but within a week I wanted to call home and tell my parents I found God. Abroad students are so sure they're cooler, it's impossible to convince them otherwise. The only way for you to retaliate, then, in Ben Stiller's words, is to cross the line in the sands of coolness; enter, perhaps for the first time in your life, the realm of the uncool.

Christopher, who said this to me over winter break, captures the exact syndrome I outlined above; fatal sense of self-importance derived entirely by being in another country, and a contagious insistence to make others feel inferior because of it. If you want worse, go to the Daily website and search for "home is transient," "I have noticed in Dublin that the Irish have a tendency to overuse the reflexive," or more generally, "Ehren Brav." But Christopher did say "getting it," which is a subjective judgement under the guise of an objective truth. There is no greater insult than telling someone they don't get it, and it can easily be used by the abroad student who is incapable of conveying their experience in a constructive manner. You can never pin down exactly what you have to do to be one who gets it, but there are always a number of wrong things to do for which you could be judged as not getting it. I, apparently, didn't get it by giving Christopher a blank stare as he was talking about the "new Chris." It could be more complicated though: my flatmate's girlfriend recently told him he didn't get it. He was crushed. He told me he immediately asked himself: is she breaking up with me or is this my cue to break up with her? Then neither happened, not even close, but he wasn't sure, maybe it was close. This, my friends, is the essence of not getting it. But beyond this, I can't help you. Even though I can say I live in a flat, I, admittedly, don't get it, just as Christopher said. It's disappointing, because now I've been in Europe for three months, and I thought I'd get it just like Christopher, but it just hasn't happened.

The whole thing recalls "Reality Bites" in which Ben Stiller loses Winona Ryder to Ethan Hawke, not so much because the latter is more attractive, but because Ben just doesn't get it. To remind you: the only thing Winona cares about is a documentary of her friends she's made. Ben, in courting her, turns it into a TV show and butchers it in the process, exemplifying how much he just didn't get it, in this case "it" being artistic, aesthetic, or something. Winona dumps him, runs off with Ethan, and they live happily ever after, unemployed and with no money, but that's okay because they get it.

But maybe, just maybe Ben realized her glitch, her inordinate sense of self-importance, and decided to exploit it for his amusement. Maybe he knew he was ruining the video and wanted to embarrass her, both of which he achieved brilliantly. Yes, he did this at the cost of losing all her respect for the rest of his mortal life, but if you could detach yourself from the inherent sympathy that goes along with her, it was funny watching her see her butchered video, which, let's be honest, showed all signs of being crap in the first place. Could this technique possibly be applied to returning abroad students? I've outlined our glitch above, can you provide the anecdote?

The only way to subvert the massive social structure in place at Tufts is to go against everything you've learned and rather than pretend to be smarter and cooler than you are, be stupider and less cool. Become Ben Stiller. (It's easier than trying to be Ethan Hawke and Winona Ryder isn't even on the line anyway). Make a conscious attempt not to get it, and you, in effect, get it more. The people who think they get it may think less of you, but that's ok, because after pulling your Ben Stiller on them, they'll cease to get it, and you'll have no need for their friendship anyhow. If you do it right, they'll give you a grunt of indigence, walk away, maybe think no one could ever get it, and therefore stop being obnoxious about their experience. So if she went to London, talk about how Dewick food got better. If he went to Barcelona, tell him about how your aunt thinks everything she needs in life can be found in Central New Jersey. If he went to Germany, and you're really ballsy, tell him he killed Roberto Benigni and then gasp. Loudly.

The four-year college goes back a long way and it's only within the last few decades that people decided it'd be hip to go to a foreign country for a semester or two. It used to take serious trauma to lead people to exile, now serious trauma or pre-medicine is implied if people decide to stay. Studying abroad is a peculiar phenomenon and I suppose we're blessed to be the pioneers during its gestation period. Eventually it will become normal - it already somehow makes sense that the administration encourages a mass exodus and doesn't take it personally - but soon enough, people will not care about staying, couples won't get so angsty about it, and people will stop being obnoxious about it.

Even though I don't get it now, I have three more months. I still have time to become just like Christopher and I'm spotting some symptoms; I drink tea with milk and I feel my neck turn to the left before crossing the street. I can't imagine a full-on self-revelation is far off, so I'll be careful, but can't make any promises for my fellow expatriates. So watch out, don't put up with it, and you'll be doing your part to further social evolution.

Jeremy Wang-Iverson is a junior majoring in English. He is studying in Edinburgh this semester.