This column is for all the critics who complain that I am neither optimistic nor carefree enough in my writings. It's my one attempt at humor, so enjoy, but don't hold your breath for the second installment.
Today, the Daily publishes its third annual Best of Tufts, so here are some of my picks for the most important categories. By choosing the best, I am inherently including much positive material in this piece. So no complaints, please, the weather put even me in a good mood.
Best Club: The committee putting together joint TCF/TTLGBC events, because on college campuses differences are tough to overcome. Paragon, the group that brought Tommy Hilfiger and not much else, ranks a close second. Some people will gripe that this is an unfair analysis because I'm Paragon's vice president. Oh, well... that's the only reason it didn't win.
Best Place to Eat. The patio. Hey, any seating area worth more than $100,000 has to be the best.
Best Performance Group: This one has to go to the Bendetson activists who, in order to be considered for this category, played drums and rock music upon overtaking the admissions office. Their "sleepover" skit was dramatic, erotic, and rather suspenseful, making them the runaway victors in the Best of Tufts. Oh, come on Adam, you've earned it.
Best Study Spot: Gifford House. It's quiet, and the president is somewhat hip. Tisch Library would have been the safe pick, but the e-mail police, oppressive food and drink policy, incessant drilling during the day, and super shady bathrooms have taken it out of contention for this year.
Best Date Restaurant: People here date? I thought they just "watch movies."
Best Student Actor: Hands down, Jesse Levey for his work on the TUTV show Jumbo Love Match. What makes this award his? He pretends to know something about dating. Jesse actually pulls it off quite well, perhaps after getting advice from the show's resident sexpert Tommy Calvert (a close runner up in this category).
Best Classroom: A tie between three rooms: Robinson 253, Cabot Auditorium, and Braker 001. How easy is it to do the crossword puzzle without getting caught in these expansive rooms? I'm not sure what other factors one could possibly use in evaluating this category.
Best Place to Pick Someone Up: Tisch Library main floor, the site of the nightly Greek system mixers. If you're looking for it, just follow the ringing cell phones and loud gib-gab. You won't miss it, but if you do, I hear the Tisch first floor bathroom is a hot spot and has video dating.
Best Thing at Jumbo Express: Jelly beans, because the prophylactics that you're forced to request from the student worker would be too damn easy!
Best Place for Employment: Um, Jumbo Express, so you can shoot congratulatory looks at those with the courage to ask you for the condoms on the shelf behind the register.
Best Class: Massage Therapy, an Ex College gem. Any class where relaxation is encouraged through coed touching is worthy of accolade, especially if one doesn't have to buy his partner dinner first. If only this class were featured in the Tufts viewbook, applications would continue to rise. My Tae-kwon-do physical education class ranks a close second. I sweat; I grunt; I look like an idiot; I don't wear khakis, nor shoes, nor socks. How bad could it be? Even I can do it.
Best class to take if you want to get an 'A': Not sure, but it seems that anything outside of the natural sciences, math, or engineering is a good bet. Perhaps a class with soon to be Tufts' newest University president, Bill Clinton (that's why the search is so secret, right?), because anything is for sale with that guy.
Best Professor: This category is nearly impossible to do publicly, so lacking the courage, I won't reveal too much. But in order to avoid excoriation in my next Jewish Fiction class, Prof. Jonathan Wilson, who mentioned these awards last class as a hint to Daily folk, will get a mention here. So even though Prof. Wilson assigns a journal - for which I made a futile attempt - his neat accent, command of the course material, and sharp wit (plus a little fear on my part) earn him a nod. Is that worth any extra points, sir?
Best Place to Live: If co-ed housing was an option, it would certainly be here as the winner. But since it's not, they're all the same to me.
Best Fraternity. Tufts Men Against Violence, which oddly enough fits the traditional definition of fraternity: "a group of men joined together by common interests." For TMAV, this is its first win and nomination in this category. I just hope the label doesn't offend them.
Best WMFO/TUTV Show: Quite obviously the show that Dave Moon and I do on Thursday nights for WMFO. 7 p.m. Who cares that no one listens? Dave and I are out of people's hair for a full half hour each week. And please listen to the show, or Dave will continue to nag me about doing more advertising.
So why care what I have to say about who should have won the Best of Tufts competition? Well don't. Just be thankful that I spared you a boring - and possibly negative - column about the proposed TCU constitution. The real Craig Waldman, however, will be back next week.
