During my sophomore and junior years, I lived in a single in Carmichael Hall. Turning off the light and walking to the bed was never a big problem. It was just a matter of taking half a step from the light switch and I had arrived. Now that I have my gigantic and well-appointed Wilson House room, things are different. The distance between my light switch and my bed is more difficult to maneuver, so I've come up with a way to not only make it to bed, but to unwind a bit before actually falling asleep. It's called the TV. Before lights out, the TV comes on to guide me to my little bed and to entertain me for a bit before I realize just how late it is and that I need to get up early the next morning to write a column.
Television changes somewhat after 1 a.m. It's entertainingly schizophrenic. More often than not, when I watch TV at night, I flip between three major channels: MTV, Comedy Central, and the Cartoon Network. If I were at home, HBO would also be included in the mix. I love HBO. It's not nearly as smutty as Cinemax, but the shows are so good. I miss Sex & the City, Oz, and Dennis Miller when I'm here at school. There's nothing like stumbling onto a cheesy, straight-to-premium-cable flick on HBO in the middle of the night. Last summer, I remember watching a movie called Chain of Command really late one night. It was magical in so many ways.
First, they cast Maria Conchita Alonso as the vice president. Maria Conchita is always the way to go, but casting her as VP is a bold move. The plot line goes something like this: A crazy Chinese man kidnaps the president and the "football" (which is a nuclear weapon launch thingy that only the president can use) and has a plan to launch US nuclear missiles at China, disabling the nation so that his political party can "bring upon a new enlightenment" or something like that.
What's so refreshing about this particular movie is that it's got balls. The bad guy actually manages to launch a missile at China... and China launches one in retaliation. Now, I totally expected them to somehow disable/disarm/self-destruct the missiles, but they didn't! Beijing and DC both blew up! It was actually pretty neat (in a low fx/straight-to-cable way). The movie ends with a voice-over from now-President Maria Conchita (I hate to spoil this, but Roy Scheider's president gets shot after disabling the "football") doing a radio address calling for bravery as the US rebuilds. It was quite stirring.
Thanks to CampusLink, I no longer have access to Maria Conchita and my other friends at HBO. But the denizens of non-premium cable manage to keep me happy. MTV, for instance, is a much better network after hours. I always consider it a lucky night (and a sleepless night) when I encounter an MTV marathon, be it Real World or Undressed. Still, the current crop of Undressed has NOTHING on the first season. Liz, Tina, and the rest of the season-one crew were brilliant. The latest seasons have made me become oddly sensitive to bad acting. I still find myself watching, but now it's in rapt horror as the actors manage to botch nearly every line reading. Sometimes, I actually wince at how badly they deliver the already horrid writing. But I always watch.
Another great thing about late-night MTV is that they actually play videos. Can you imagine that? Not only that, they don't cut them off prematurely the way they do on TRL. Just the other night, I caught the new Britney Spears video for "Don't Let Me Be The Last To Know" (hereinafter DLMBTLTK). She's a total tramp in this latest one. While I was very excited, I can't imagine that Justin was very happy when he saw her wearing a teeny bikini and making out with some random dude. I own the album, listened to it once when I first got it, then just played "Lucky" on repeat. After seeing DLMBTLTK, I actually pulled out the CD again and found it pretty darn good. Not as wonderful as No Strings Attached, but still pretty darn good.
Comedy Central and Cartoon Network are also better after hours. The only beef I have is that CC rarely shows episodes of South Park late at night. Instead, half the time I'm forced to watch old SNL's (which are redeemed by some neat performances by artists of yesteryear).
Cartoon Network's strongest suit would have to be old Scooby Doo's. I still can never figure out whodunit. I'm also a big fan of the Dragonball Z and Tenchi cartoons. I'm the first to admit that I don't really understand either of those shows, but there's something fascinating about both of them. I just wish I knew why the Tenchi cartoons all have different names (Tenchi Universe, Tenchi in Tokyo, and more) and why every female in the show wants to get with Tenchi. He strikes me as kind of a wuss.
Finally, you have the ultimate guilty pleasure of late night television: infomercials. Some of my fondest memories come from infomercials. First of all, I am addicted to the psychic hotline infomercials. I think that I may be Bo Griffin's biggest fan (did you know she was a DJ in Miami?). I'm sad she's no longer on the air, but I'm growing to adore Miss Cleo and her faux Jamaican accent. So great. Product infomercials also hold a special place in my heart. I own a Sobakawa pillow (it's filled with buckwheat husks) and I love it. I actually just recently broke down and ordered the ProActiv skin care system. Judith Light's glassy-eyed testimony totally won me over. I wish she'd make a comeback; she used to be so great on Who's the Boss? I know for a fact that people would welcome her back. Just today, my friend Andrew said, "I want to have crazy animal sex with Judith Light." I don't know if I literally agree, but I definitely feel the love.
