I don't think I'm going to have to clean the bathroom this week.
What does cleaning the bathroom have to do with sports? In my world, the bathroom and sports - or more specifically, the NFL - are clearly intertwined.
At the beginning of the semester my housemates, Matt, CJ, Brian and Joe faced a serious crisis. None of us like to clean and it was apparent that the house was going to become a mess. If we wanted to avoid realizing the Animal House stereotype of drunken boys sleeping amongst empty beer cans, something had to be done.
Our first thought was to hire a cleaning lady. However, as only three-fifths of us had jobs and only one-fifth of us had a job that pays substantial money, we quickly came to the disheartening conclusion that paying someone to clean up after us was not really an option.
Though we were all willing to make sacrifices, such as not eating for a day or two in order to come up with the necessary funds, we decided that starving ourselves would probably not be the smartest or safest course of action. We had a serious problem on our hands.
We figured that we could occasionally motivate ourselves to do the dishes, as we do have a dishwasher. Although some of us, like myself, needed a lesson on how to operate it. In addition, we concluded that if we chose not to clean our bedrooms, we could always close the doors.
The potential problem area was the bathroom. None of us were adept bathroom cleaners and thus without motivation we would just as soon ignore it. We could not allow that to happen. How were we going to clean the bathroom?
One Sunday afternoon while watching the football games, the answer came to me suddenly. We would pick the NFL games and the loser would have to clean the bathroom. After talking it over with my housemates it was agreed that this was the only logical solution.
The house bylaws were written and the five of us prepared for the heated competition. Our bathroom cleaning system went into action in Week Three of the NFL schedule.
The first week of picking went well, as I finished in the middle of the pack and avoided bathroom duty. Sadly, Joe did not fair as well and found himself in last place. In accordance with the house rules, the bathroom must be clean by kickoff the following Sunday. If this stipulation is not met, the loser must clean the bathroom for the three subsequent weeks. Joe avoided this terrible plight, and in fact, did a fine job cleaning the bathroom.
In Week Four, most of us made our picks on Saturday afternoon. However, Brian was not around and was forced to make his picks later that night. Unfortunately, Brian, who may or may not have had a few drinks earlier in the evening, was in a bit of a haze. Nevertheless, being a trooper, he went through with the routine and, perhaps not surprisingly, lost.
It was following Brian's loss that we had our first controversy. With nearly six days to clean the bathroom it seemed like one could find some time. Everyday that week we would ask Brian if he had cleaned the bathroom. With a smile he would say "no," but quickly add that he was definitely going to do it. I genuinely believed him. At 12:59 the following Sunday, the bathroom was still a mess.
Two weeks later, the still unclean bathroom was beginning to reek and we had somehow skipped two weeks of picking - chaos reigned, and even worse, the bathroom stank. In fact, it nearly came to the point where one may have been better off avoiding a shower altogether because it was unclear whether one smelled worse before or after entering the bathroom. Finally, Brian cleaned the bathroom, normalcy was restored, and I could put my shower shoes back into storage.
While each week offers new twists, certain things are givens. For instance, CJ always picks the Cincinnati Bengals to win, and as a result he generally finds himself at an immediate disadvantage.
Brian takes a carefree approach to picking. This week he made his choices while half-asleep and wrote down the "second team." It turned out the second team was the visiting team. Despite his strange technique, Brian still managed to finish second this week.
Matt is fairly textbook. He does his research and makes the "smart" pick, though he does typically pick New England. But it worked out for him this week, as the Pats whipped the Indianapolis Colts.
Joe likes to take risks, which is often foolish. This past week he picked the New York Jets to beat the St. Louis Rams. However, his two other big risks of the week - Washington over Carolina and Cleveland over Baltimore - turned out well for him.
As for me, my strategy varies from week to week. For example, two weeks ago I went with my heart and picked a number of upsets and actually won the weekly contest. Unfortunately, this week I made the safe picks and going into the Monday night game there was a distinct possibility that I would have to put on the yellow gloves and get to scrubbing.
From this competition I have learned two important things. First, any given Sunday, any given team has a chance to win. There are no guaranteed victories. Secondly, I should probably live in a college dorm my whole life to avoid having to clean the bathroom or become very rich so I can pay someone to clean the bathroom.
To end my column, I say, "Let's go Giants." Usually, when I say that, I say it for the love of my home team. But this week there is oh so much more riding on a Giants' win on Monday Night Football. That could mean the difference between another week of happiness or a sad day spent cleaning the toilet.
