It's the week after Thanksgiving and I am depressed. But instead of going into how much work I have to do, or how tired I am, or how my room is so messy that I can't find my bed, or how I have no food in my house, I'm just going to vent about someone who has been bothering me since 1994.
I first began to hate him in August 1994, during the baseball strike which destroyed my childhood. Up until that point I had lived a happy little existence- school, friends, and baseball. Then at age 13 I came to the harsh realization that life wasn't so simple. I figured that the strike would last a few days. But the days turned into weeks and eventually this man canceled the World Series for the first time since 1904.World War I couldn't prevent the World Series from occurring, nor could World War II. But then along came a devil named Bud. Alan H. "Bud" Selig to be exact.
You might have heard of him, as he is the commissioner of baseball, pseudo-owner of the Milwaukee Brewers, former used car salesman, and most importantly, moron. Now, what respectable human being would allow themselves to be referred to as Bud? My best friend's dog is named Buddy and quite frankly, the animal is the stupidest thing I have ever encountered. But the same first name is not all that the dog and Mr. Selig have in common. Oh no, there are actually a number of uncanny similarities between the pair.
Buddy the dog does a lot of stupid things. For instance, he runs around the kitchen chasing his tail and attempts to eat plastic objects which could potentially kill him. Buddy the owner also does a number of stupid things. His latest "brainchild" is, of course, contraction, which would eliminate two teams from Major League Baseball and would offend millions of baseball fans, potentially destroying the game forever.
In addition, both Buddy the dog and Buddy the commissioner are selfish. Buddy the dog will happily steal scraps from the dinner table or hop on somebody's leg for a ride with no understanding that such actions are self serving and in poor taste. Likewise, Commissioner Buddy claims that eliminating the Minnesota Twins will have no effect on the attendance of the Milwaukee Brewers. You don't have to be a navigator to realize that Milwaukee is the closest big league city to Minnesota. If Minnesota fans want to see baseball, Milwaukee is the most logical destination.
Commissioner Buddy claims that contraction is in the best interest of baseball and I bet if Buddy the dog could talk he would claim that mounting a person's leg is pleasurable for the mountee. Simply put, Buddy the commissioner is a liar. The only one who will get any satisfaction from contraction is Buddy the pseudo-owner, and a few of his selfish owner friends. Not surprisingly, the fans, who are truly the foundation of the game, are once again going to be screwed over.
While Buddy the Commissioner acts like Buddy the dog, he is also eerily similar to the popular toy doll from the late 1980s and early 1990s, "My Buddy." First of all, there is the obvious physical resemblance between the two - moppy brown hair and a crooked smile which clearly says "I'm up to no good." And who can forget the quaint wardrobes? However, the most striking similarity between the two is the absence of a brain, which causes both Buddy's to be controlled by others.
Commissioner Buddy is supposed to work with the best interests of baseball in mind. But in reality, he is the owner's handpicked lackey. Prior to Buddy, Fay Vincent served as commissioner of baseball. However, when the owners realized that he wouldn't be manipulated, they relieved him of his duties and replaced him with a puppet known as Buddy.
In fact, it would not surprise me if the owners collectively referred to Bud Selig as "Our Buddy." Like the dolly, "My Buddy," who serves as a companion for the friendless, a loyal sidekick if you will, Buddy Selig was designated commissioner by the owners to serve as their friend. Without a strong commissioner, the owners are free to wreak havoc on the game and are not forced to answer to anyone.
Imagine "My Buddy" talking back to its owner. Having trouble picturing this? Well there is a reason for that: it would be impossible. Likewise, Commissioner Buddy talking back to the owners and standing up for the best interests of baseball is also a figment of our collective imaginations.
Think about two of the greatest baseball commissioners of all time. Judge Kensaw Mountain Landis who cleaned up the game following the Black Sox Scandal of 1919 and A. Bartlett Giammatti, who had the courage to ban Pete Rose for life, after it became clear that he jeopardized the integrity of the game by betting on baseball.
Just look at those two names, Kensaw and Bartlett - wow. Those are a couple of intimidating names and not only did they have the names, but both men demanded and commanded respect. Kensaw was a judge and Bartlett was the former president of Yale University.
When I think of a Buddy I think dog or dolly. But actually he's just a used car salesman.
And I seem to remember an old saying that goes a little something like this, "You can never trust a used car salesman named Buddy."
