Skipping Reels of Rhyme

"Britney Spears has titled her upcoming third album Britney. The album is due out Nov. 6."

- Rolling Stone Magazine

The Tufts Daily Arts Department has expanded its coverage from your typical reviews, previews, and profiles to include a new approach at investigative journalism. Already, the hard work has paid off and one of our more scrappy junior reporters has succeeded in retrieving a series of enlightening memorandums from the rubbish bin of none other than Ms. Britney Spears, America's sweetheart, hero, and tower of young womanly power. These communications between the beautiful chanteuse and her album title consultants allow us an unprecedented peek into the life of this 21st-century goddess of song and her dedication to the craft. Let's take a look...

Dear Britney,

After an in-depth analysis, we have determined that the most effective title for your upcoming third album would be Britney. We hope you'll agree.

Best wishes,

Name That Album-Record Title Consultants Inc.

Dear consultant people,

Thank you very much for your suggestion. But I can't help but think that maybe we could come up with a more exciting and artistic title. I am, of course, as you know, a very exciting and artistic person and would like the title of my newest album to really capture who I am. In all honesty, in my eyes - my exciting, artistic eyes - Britney just doesn't say who I am.

Yours,

Britney

Britney,

You are Britney. That is your name. That is who you are? No?

Cheers,

Your well-paid consultants

Consultant dudes,

I dunno. I was thinking maybe we could try something witty and ironic, because besides being both exciting and artistic, I am also witty and ironic. Like that "One More Time" song: very ironic, eh? Honestly though, I am also a very honest person. By honest I mean I don't tell lies. My mother taught me that one. "Don't tell lies!" she'd say. "Don't tell lies or I will hate you. Now make me proud and sing your bare midsection off. Sing damn it, or I will hate you like I hate liars."

So basically I like to sing and tell the truth. That is why I am so open and - you might even say - "revealing." That whole skin tight skimpy outfit thing I have been going for lately is all part of my honesty kick. I really don't like to hide anything. I don't like to hide my wit, my artistic sensibilities, my love for my Momma, my fine cleavage, or my tight ass. My fans deserve a Britney Spears who keeps nothing from them. With that in mind, maybe we can name the album in that spirit. Perhaps there are things I know that my fans deserve to know as well. How 'bout My Momma Rock's or I'm a Virgin! No, Really! or Justin Timberlake Has No Dick. Which one do you think my fans would most appreciate?

Honestly yours,

Britney

Britney,

Britney, we understand your desire to be honest and open with your audience. But what could be more truthful than telling your listeners who they are listening to. "Who am I listening to?" they might ask. The answer, Britney, is you: Britney. With that in mind we hope you reconsider our expertly developed original suggestion, Britney.

Your consultants

Dearest "experts,"

With all do respect, I think you are stuck in your stubborn middle-aged ways. You just don't seem to understand me or my generation. And, as I happen to be the voice of my generation, in all my excitingly ironic, artistic wit, you might benefit from pausing and taking a few honest straightforward lessons from Professor Spears. I am my own woman. In fact, that would make a cool title, My Own Woman. Or how 'bout Hear Me Roar, Pepsi Cola Yum Yum, They're Real, I Swear!

Also, I feel like it might be wise to recognize some of my fellow artists. You know, as a sort of wink of my eye in a sign of our mutual respect as musicians. Perhaps Christina Aguilera Rots or Mandy Moore Talent Less.

No wait, I've got it! Who is the greatest most witty king of Pop to rule this land? MJ of course! Why don't I take Michael Jackson's greatest album title and borrow it in tribute. It will glow as a of a sort of passing of the torch, for I will surely reign as the Queen of Pop once that Madonna bitch kicks the bucket. Ray of light, my ass - my fine, fine ass!

So, like I was saying, I will call my new album Beat It. My fans will wonder what I am talking about perhaps, but they are smart, just like me. For I am smart along with all of my wit, irony, honesty, excitement, and artistry. They will see my extremely honest photo on the album cover, they will hear my beautiful voice crooning to them, they will read the two simple words Beat It, printed across the package and they will know exactly what to do with themselves... enjoy the artistry of my musical creations. Brilliant! No?

I thought so,

Britney

Britney,

Dammit Britney! Surely you can't be as dense as you lead on to be. Why don't you just go along with Britney for now. If you do, we'll agree to let you name every song on the album. You can use whatever stupid names your little corn kernel of a brain can conjure up. Goodness, why don't you just call first single something entirely inane and intensely demeaning like "I'm a Slave 4 U"? That'll be a hit for sure. Oops, you've done it again.

Screw U