Stop the e-mails

Before I begin, let me say that for a few hours on Sunday night, everything was right in the world. Also, congratulations to the Arizona Diamondbacks - you are now the Team of the Century.

I wrote a column two weeks ago about my hatred of all things evil - the Williams Ephmen and the New York Yankees. I assumed few people at Tufts would read the article, but I did not account for the interest it would spark over in Western Massachusetts.

In the past 14 days, I have received 14 e-mails from a group that includes Williams students, alumni, a radio broadcaster, and a Sports Information Director. They've come from basketball players, field hockey players, and someone who signs his letters solely with his jersey number.

Now most of these emails were of the friendly sort - telling me that they were amused with my work and informing me that Yankees owner George Steinbrenner is a Williams graduate. Apparently, Steinbrenner used to be a sports editor with the Williams Record back in the early 1950's, and according to legend, once got into an argument with the Amherst football coach.

Still crazy after all these years.

I was also told that Boston Red Sox general manager Dan Duquette is an Amherst graduate, which just goes to show you that Williams tends to get the best of opponents both in college and in the professional world.

But some e-mails skipped right over the fuzzy line between informative and ridiculous. Like this one, for instance.

Hahahahahahahahahahaha. You obviously have a small penis and have lost multiple sexual partners to Williams students from New York who root for the Yankees. Don't hate us for being better people than you.

Yes, and you've probably lost similar numbers of partners to people who don't write e-mails about the genital size of columnists at other schools.

I received this one two days ago.

Hey Jonny: We would have no problem developing some sort of a rivalry with Tufts if you didn't SUCK so bad!! And yes, I was one of those athletes that was accepted because of athletics and for some reason I never thought we were cheating when we were kicking your baby blue and brown asses in every sport your sorry-ass school attempted to field a team in. At least this guy is honest about his academic abilities. Hey Tufts, if that can't get you fired up to beat Williams, nothing can.

This next one, from a female, was short and to the point.

Dude, it must suck to be you!

Sincerely,

another-angry-yet-amused-Williams-athlete

Yes, it does suck to go to a school near a city. To have the ability to attend professional sports, plays, shows, clubs, and bars sucks very, very badly.

The rude emails I can understand (that's not exactly true, I don't quite understand why people at another school read our columns and reply to the authors) but some people, like the following scribe, took my column extremely seriously.

It is healthy to hold small grudges against another school, want revenge, and stir internal fires - it is the point of school unity and competition; it is the essence of a team and of athletics, but to write an entire article demeaning the excellence of an institution is merely... I can't even think of a fitting word (maybe because I am an athlete!)... it is merely pathetic.

As pathetic as getting angered by a column?

One woman was actually worried about my health. She felt that because I was so worked up with my hatred for all things purple, I would suffer a premature death. I'll let bits and pieces of the email speak for themselves.

So I read your article just now and have come to the conclusion that there is no way that you could be a sports fan. I am also from the city, I don't think inside this country bubble you are describing. I know about life. Some people just say that but I really do.

Being from Boston, I also hate the Yankees.However, never have I let the Yankees consume the focus of all my anger so much as to write a letter demeaning their whole organization. That's kind of sick, don't you think?

Yeah, that's sick, but writing a letter to a joking columnist, that's healthy. I'll let her continue.

I don't know what kind of alternate universe you are living in, but every school has taunting fans.

I'm living in an alternate universe where people have a sense of humor. A universe where someone can describe a rivalry and not be taken as a raving lunatic. I know fans from every school taunt, but I was writing ABOUT WILLIAMS. She goes on.

If you are such and intense person that something as insignificant as a notch in the loss column of a Tufts team or your hometown MLB team gets you so upset that you have to resort to uncontrolled insults...you need to relax or you'll be dead by the time you're 40.

Thank you for the warning. Actually, I spend most of my time worrying that New Yorkers at Williams are going to steal my girlfriend.

And in case that happens, I have the following e-mailer.

ps-I forgot to mention that I'm from NY--want to go to the Yankees game with me this weekend? I guess it's too late for that. But I appreciate all the interest from the Purple Cows. This will be the final column I write about this Tufts-Williams rivalry. I just want to leave it at this - hey Williams, I was joking. I have to fill 900 words every week, so I decided to write about you. But, thank you for reading my column, at least I know someone does.