Stefan and I were settling into our third round of Manhattans at the Ritz-Carlton bar when a nearby conversation piqued our interests. A tweed-jacket clad member of the intelligensia and a Humphrey Bogart throwback in pinstripes were embroiled in a debate about Steven Soderbergh's remake of the Rat Pack classic heist film Oceans Eleven, which, coincidentally, we had seen that very evening. The following is our account of their dialogue.
-D.S.
Man of Action: ...you get Clooney coming out of jail in a tux. That's grand. Then all of sudden he's runnin' around America assembling his crack team of big hitters. Brad Pitt comes into it, and he's playin' cards with a bunch of sitcom stars in Atlantic City, teaching them a thing or two about a thing or two. But he hates that gig, so Clooney goes in there, pulls him out and tells him about the heist to end all heists. These guys are gonna take Vegas for 150 large, and it just sounds crazy.
They sure did their research though, and they look as smooth as Dino's voice sounds when they pull it off. Not without a little romance, neither. Clooney and Roberts go back and forth, Andy Garcia's in the mix. Big names, baby, big names. How the hell they get a nuclear bomb outta there without anyone noticing, I cannot tell you, but hey, it worked for me."
The Idea Man: The modernization of classic films is often a complex and treacherous process for artists.
Man of Action: Look, people don't want to pay ten bucks to sit in the dark and start worrying, at least I don't. You go to see Danny Ocean and his crew hitting the bigtime. You want the news you stay up and watch Walter Cronkite. Otherwise, just buy your popcorn and relax.
The Idea Man: The remake of this brainless heist flick merely asserts the all-too-troubling tendency of our culture to embrace light entertainment in times of woe. This tale of the confluence of avarice and "cool" and its impending excessive popularity reveal our society's overwhelming obsessions with materialism and celebrity. The safe, surefire hit status of a remake like this one is another symptom of an industry more concerned with opening weekend than opening minds. In this time of political strife, it disturbs me greatly that the creative figures in our society would hearken back to a time of social complacency and requisite conformity when upper-class middle-aged white males' status not only remained virtually unchallenged by American youth culture, but was actually considered "cool."
Man of Action: Listen buddy boy, here's the thing. They know well enough to look back to Frank for the right kind of thing, you know what I mean? I don't know what's happening to us these days. A fruity little magician is pulling in all the dough. There's brainless for you. When people are more excited about that than they are about Montgomery Clift, then I think we're in trouble. We're going to the movies to watch kids who ain't even old enough to order a drink. That's when you need The Chairman of the Board. Speakin' of which, how's about another drink there, four eyes?
The Idea Man: I request you refrain from ridiculing my designer spectacles.
Man of Action: No problem, professor. And ya poison?
The Idea Man: Pardon me?
Man of Action: What'll ya have? To drink?
The Idea Man: Hm, something Continental...Pilsner Urquell, if you will.
Man of Action: Whiskey and a whiskey, for me. I'll tell you one thing, I think that Soderbergh guy's got it. He just wants to keep these damn kids off of the pills, cause that's when they start acting crazy. Hey, I saw Traffic - that's one flashy flick. Michael Douglas was the only one who had the right idea. He puts in a hard day's work, and then comes home and pours a little on the rocks and cools off. That's natural. None of this smoking aluminum foil in the little boys' room.
The Idea Man: Traffic was an utter failure. Soderbergh's attempt to make a two-hour long MTV-style clip telling everyone to 'Just Say No' not only exposed his true lack of originality, but also his desperate desire to recapture the magical feeling of 9012Live, his dazzling profile of the rock band Yes.
Man of Action: That 'yes' is a big time combo. They got the class to play the big rooms.
The Idea Man: Agreed. The bass work of Chris Squires is particularly breath-taking.
Man of Action: Forget about "just sayin' no," I'm too busy hearin' "Yes," baby.
The Idea Man: Yes, indeed. Traffic could have only impressed an audience that had never seen an independent film, heard rock 'n roll music or ever even considered ingesting a controlled substance. Only in comparison to, say, Steven Spielberg could one possibly label this purveyor of status quo triviality edgy.
Man of Action: Spielberg, huh? I wouldn't mind having a "close encounter" with that Spanish number from Out of Sight. See, it ain't just Traffic you're talking about when you're talking about Soda-Burg. He's got a couple other tunes I like. That Out of Sight, there's one you could set your watch to. And Lopez, she could take me South of the Border anytime. You want edge? She's got edge baby.
Clooney played a good thief in that one, too. He didn't have any problem stealing some hearts while he was at it, the lucky bastard. I'm telling you, Georgey boy could carry two movies with one performance, but they still brought in all the big guns for this new flick. You got Georgey, Brad Pitt, Andy Garcia...
The Idea Man: Let us not forget Matt Damon.
Man of Action: Aaahh, the Harvard boy. Good Will keeps hunting him down, eh? I don't know if he can play with the big boys here, but it's fine.
You know what, these guys know there ain't no 'I' in team. When you come to play, you leave everything else at home. They don't worry about their salaries - all their checks are already clearing, baby. They just want to come in and get one for the gipper. Frank, Dino, and Sammy would've been proud.
The Idea Man: While the average viewer will take pleasure in the public relations story that each of these excessively wealthy and not-particularly-excessively talented actors acquiesced to a lower salary than the astronomical figures they regularly demand, I cannot share in this sensation with the foresight that the almost assured success of this film will catapult these actors into previously unheard of echelons of movie stardom.
Man of Action: Yeah, but movie stars make for some great eye candy. Hollywood looks and Vegas glamour coming together, you can't beat it.
The Idea Man: Truly George Clooney and Brad Pitt conform to, or perhaps to some extent even dictate, the narrow standard for American male hunkiness. But this standard is only accessible with the money, free time, and vain ambition that accompany success in show business. The discrepancy between these iconic figures of the contemporary silver screen and the average man is damaging not only to the collective psyche of American males, but also to their romantic counterparts who will find that their partners' appearances surely fall short in comparison to the god-like features of Clooney and Pitt.
Man of Action: Are you alright, there, boy-o?
The Idea Man: Yes, I am. How about another drink? What is your preference?
Man of Action: Whiskey and a whiskey.
The Idea Man: I think I'll have a wine.
Man of Action: What is that, for a ladyfriend?
The Idea Man: No, for me. Wine is the most efficient of thirst-quenchers.
Man of Action: If that's your alibi, kid. You know what was quenching my thirst? That Roberts dame they put in this one - she's all right. But, to be honest, she's no Lauren Bacall. You know who they could have used? Charlize Theron. She's one tall glass of water.
The Idea Man: A merely superficial assessment of Roberts' looks is inadequate in judging her performance... Her talent...Tall glass?...Her screen persona is one of...Hm.
Man of Action: Loosen up, all right.
The Idea Man: Honestly, she didn't really do it for me, either.
Man of Action: How about another round before we split. Are you in or are you out?
The Idea Man: Well, I am not sure that I...
Man of Action: C'mon buddy, you're thinkin' too hard about this one, you gotta play the game like you got nothin' to lose. Are you in or are you out?
The Idea Man: In.
