There are two things in the sports world right now that make me ill. There are two organizations whose successes and fans make me sick to my stomach. And while these two organizations may have little connection, they have much in common in my mind.
I hate Williams College, and I hate the New York Yankees.
There isn't a plainer way to say it. It's as simple as George W. Bush. To me, there are no two institutions of sports that represent evil and arrogance like the Ephs and Yanks.
I was at the football game in Williamstown this past Saturday, and I tried to be an objective reporter and not just a fan. I couldn't. I hate Williams so much that I had to loudly root for Tufts. And that's why, as we were leaving the field and Williams was kneeling on the ball, I had a familiar feeling in my stomach.
It's that same frustrating fusion of anger, jealousy, and helplessness I get watching the Yankees every year. It's the same feeling I had three nights ago when Alfonso Soriano hit a two-run homerun to win Game 4.
Just because the emotions are well-known doesn't make them easy to swallow. Especially when you have to deal with the fans. As we were walking out, a car full of Williams students started yelling at the football team. They were taunting them with sarcastic shouts like "better luck next year, Tufts" and "nice try, Tufts."
Those damned arrogant fans. They didn't do anything to win - they're too intelligent to play on Williams' football team, and they certainly wouldn't say anything if they weren't in the protection of an SUV. But they were cocky and proud in their victorious, Western Massachusets, alienated from real city ways.
But it gets worse.
Did you know the Williams band made fun of us at halftime? Despite the fact that we were up 17-14, and it had about 12 members, the Williams band performed a skit that, I assume, was supposed to resemble the halftime performances of bands performing at rivalry games.
I've been to the Harvard-Yale game, and this wasn't nearly on the same level. A high school band practice would have come closer.
At Harvard, the bands formed interesting formations and made witty digs at their rival. Williams' band tried to make formations but had just enough people to form the number one. And their idea of wit was making fun of elephants.
Why does Williams' band bother me so much? First of all, it's pretty bush league to insult a school when its band isn't there to defend itself. Secondly, they were making fun of our mascot, which, as we all know, is about 20 times cooler than a Purple Cow. And speaking of cool, these guys wouldn't know it if it stole their tubas. I have nothing against people in marching bands; I have something against this marching band. The name of their band is 'The Williams College, Imbibin', Proscribin', Dancin', Pantsin', Squawkin', Walkin', Wayfarin', Pleather(tm) Wearin', Honkin', Bonkin', Crunchin', Lunchin', Atrocious, Precocious, Lawn-mowin', Discus-throwin', Brick Layin', Bill Payin', Rootin', Tootin', Speedin', Bleedin', Mucho Macho Moocow Marching Band.'
And I'm pretty sure one of them was wearing a cape.
Plus, Williams always ruins everything for Tufts. Their football team ruined our football team's perfect season. Their women's soccer team ended our women's soccer team's season. And when our tennis team finished third in the New England Championships, of course Williams was ahead of it.
So what does this have to do with the Yankees? Everything. Just like Williams, their fans are cocky and arrogant. What other fans would boo Senator Clinton at a fundraiser for the Sept. 11 fund? What other fans claim they don't have a rivalry with Boston, and then chant Red Sox suck at the end of a Yankees-Angles game? It's the same type of nose-in-the-air people that claim not to have a rivalry with Tufts, and then make fun of elephants at halftime.
Similar to the Williams band, the Yankees play Frank Sinatra's New York, New York after a win. It's a great song normally, but obnoxious on the heels of another Yankees victory.
And finally, the Yankees always win and ruin everything for everyone else. New York spoiled Oakland's remarkable comeback season. The Yankees ended the Mariners' record-tying season, and they might stop the glorious run of Arizona pitchers, Curt Schilling and Randy Johnson.
But the Yankees are especially ruining my fun.
I made a guarantee that the Yankees wouldn't win the World Series, and I said that if I were wrong, I would never make a guarantee again. Let's just say I was a lot more comfortable with my guarantee when the A's were ahead 2-0 than I am now.
I'm not trying to make any outlandish accusations, all I'm saying is that both of these teams win because they cheat. And if I can't prove they cheat, both are the types that would cheat if they could. Williams steals some of the best athletes in Division III, who, I'm guessing, wouldn't get into Williams otherwise. New York steals the best free agents from the rest of the league because, well, they're rich.
This may sound like the ramblings of a bitter, jealous sports fan, and maybe it is. But I'm being as impartial and objective as possible when I say that Williams College and New York - the Ephs and the Yanks - stink.
