The Daytona 500 was on Sunday, and some redneck won the race after a crash. I missed it. I was watching the Duke-Maryland game, which Maryland won after Duke's offense crashed. There are four points to this boring anecdote.
First, I'm not sure the Blue Devils can win without "Duke" Vitale cheering them on. Second, NASCAR has become so popular that to consider yourself a true sports aficionado, you must follow the sport. And third, I'm glad I'm not a sports aficionado.
To watch NASCAR, I would have to pretend that I'm interested in a sport. That's why we have the Winter Olympics. For two weeks, you get real into the biathlon, curling, and short track speed skating, only to store those events in the back of your brain somewhere near high-school world history for the next for years.
But the difference is, these sports are exciting when watched every four years. Well, maybe not curling, but the rest of them are. I've watched one NASCAR event from start to finish in my life, and that will serve me just fine.
Four years is enough time in between luge events. Four eons can satisfy me between NASCAR events.
In 1999, my freshman year, my roommate and I decided to take the plunge. We set the alarm. We went to Dewick earlier than normal. We got out the chips and pretzels. We shut the door and turned off the phone. Our away messages read, "Watching NASCAR, go away"
Four years ago last weekend, I watched my first NASCAR race, the Daytona 500. We watched from start to finish. I went in with an open mind and tried to give it a fair shake.
Look at how much concentration is required, and the stamina, I thought to myself. Wow, I thought. And can you believe this finish, I remarked in my inner monologue.
Dale Earnhardt squeaks past Jeff Gordon to win his first ever Daytona. The Holy Grail that had eluded him throughout his illustrious career.
It had all the drama of a Disney movie. Earnhardt was Driver of the Year, there were Angels in the Pit.
I thought I would need pliers to get the smile off my face, it was plastered on there like I was posing for a family portrait.
What was everyone so happy with? He drove. That's it. It's tough, I know. I can't even drive down to Hollywood Video without almost getting in four accidents, but at the same time, no one is watching me on a Sunday morning, and Pepsi isn't trying to get its logo on my Honda CRV.
That's what I came away with that day. I may have watched the best Daytona 500 in the history of the Daytona 500, but I couldn't escape the fact that all I saw was cars making left turns. It's a clich?©d argument against the sport, but it's true.
It's not that NASCAR drivers lack the skill of other athletes or that the sport is without its intricacies. On the contrary. NASCAR drivers are tougher than most athletes, and the strategy involved places the sport on a slightly higher level than watching the Mass Pike.
It's just that it's boring. Watching people go in an oval for two hours is boring. Can you imagine the Kentucky Derby if it lasted most of the afternoon? There would be world records set for mint julep consumption.
Unfortunately for me, the NASCAR doesn't care what I think (though I'm sure you do). They don't need me to watch: they already have millions of Busch-swigging, undershirt-sporting, Jerry Springer addicts tuning in. And that's just the college crowd. The ratings go even higher when you get to redneck country.
Alas, NASCAR is slowly taking over the sports world. NBC has essentially dropped its coverage of every other sporting event in order to bring you the Busch series. Soon, Bob Costas will be covered in grease, doing reports from the infield.
I guess it's okay. NASCAR represents everything that's right with sports. It's competition at its most basic level. Whoever goes faster wins; there's no French judge there to take your trophy away.
NASCAR's as pure as the virgin Mary. Just don't mind the cars and drivers awash in corporate logos. Oh, and try to ignore the racism that runs rampant throughout the sport. And don't pay any attention to the sexism faced by the few women drivers trying to wedge their way into the sport.
NASCAR is the new American pastime.
