All right folks, buckle your seatbelts. This could get messy.
On Wednesday, Mar. 13th, Fox will air a boxing match between (get ready)..Tonya Harding and Paula Jones. This is not a joke. Do not adjust the levels on your TV screen. This is the real deal. The bout between the hubcap wielding figure skater and the nose-job sporting Jones will be followed by a match between Danny Bonaduce of the "Partridge Family" and Barry Williams from "The Brady Bunch".
Once again, I repeat, this is not a joke. It's not claymation, it's not staged, it's not even WWF. This will be a real, honest to goodness boxing match.
"This is legitimate. We'll have a real referee, a real doctor, real announcers. To all the world, this will be a real boxing match," Fox's alternative-programming chief Mike Darnell told USA Today. This will be the latest revolting attempt by the TV industry to lure viewers with "reality TV"; to tempt the public by appealing to their more morbid side and show them what they were afraid to ask for. In what will be Harding's first significant TV performance since that wedding night video, and Jones' biggest appearence since she was nose deep in a sex scandal involving Bill Clinton, the two "fighters" will don weighted gloves and protective headgear and have at it.
The fight was originally slated to feature attempted murderer Amy Fisher, but Fisher backed out on sunday. Is it just me, or does this seem like a bad idea to anyone else? Whose brilliant idea was it to stick the two trailer park tinker bells in a boxing ring and try to get millions of people to watch? Maybe we should just make it interesting and throw them both in a box with two rabid hyenas.
It blows me away to think that there are people who sink this low for TV ratings. Does nobody else think that this could be a potentially dangerous situation? Fisher has clearly proven that she would try to kill someone.
Harding has shown that not only would she conspire to have someone clubbed with a crowbar, she has even gone so far as smash her own husband's face in with a hubcap. Just ask Mary Jo Buttafuco and Nancy Kerrigan about how violent these women can be.
And now Jones has stepped in to take Harding's hubcap to the face. Though her biggest worry is her new nose-job - "I just got my nose done, and I don't want to mess it up," Jones told the Arkansas Democrat Gazette - she should consider concerning herself with somewhat greater bodily harms. Harding, though a disgrace to the Olympic community, is a trained athlete, and was often criticized by fellow figure skaters for being too muscular. Jones meanwhile has spent her time fixing her nose and posing for Penthouse. Should be a good match.
Unfortunately for the world, this is what makes this "celebrity deathmatch" so enticing. What will these two bruisers do to each other when they're told it's OK to fight? Well on March 13th everyone will find out.
This match serves absolutely no purpose, other than to lower the status of everyone involved, both directly and indirectly. Fox, which was finally beginning to establish itself as a legitimate network, with real sports coverage and even some quasi-interesting programs, throws itself back into the depths of television with a move like this. Just as people were beginning to forget "Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire?" the wizards at Fox come out with this gem and sink down to about one step above UPN. The boxing world loses with this fight, even though the IBF, WBC, and WBA have absolutely nothing to do with it. Boxing is a sport steeped with tradition and glory and countless unforgettable moments. To reduce it to nothing more than a grudge match between two trashy societal outcasts is nothing short of disgraceful. With the antics of Mike Tyson and the recent controversy surrounding his licensing, the last thing the boxing world needs is publicity like this. While boxing is a sport about heart, dedication, and endless training, fiascoes such as this serve to do little more than reduce it's respectability as a sport.
Society as a whole suffers with fights like this as well. With each new "reality TV" program we take another step back toward the days of the gladiators. As each network tries to out-shock the public with what they're willing to show, the general public takes a step down. No, Tonya Harding vs. Paula Jones is not going to be the downfall of our civilization, but how long is it going to be before someone actually dies on one of these programs? Is it really necessary for everyone to see what happens when Harding and Fisher are put in a ring?
Finally, the people in the fights lose more than anybody. Can these people
really be that strapped for cash that they would take part in such a circus act? Do they think that they'll look in some way respectable by doing this? None of the fighters ever really commanded any degree of respect in the first place, but this just sinks them all to a new low. I guess it's only natural for Fox to assume that this will draw an audience, especially after the amazing success of the XFL. The league, which lasted for all of one completely forgettable season, featured rules designed to make the game more violent, and awe inspiring efforts from players like "He Hate Me."
But hey, if Fox wants to have its fun, let them. Maybe soon we'll get to see Marty McSorley and Carl Everett go at each other with Fungo bats. And if we're lucky enough, maybe somebody will show us John Rocker fighting a polar bear. After all, would it really be that much more ridiculous than Tonya Harding vs. Paula Jones?
