The beauty of fictional characters is that they are not real people. As such, we can do - or at least imagine doing - whatever we want with them without the pesky obstacles of reality or the fear of consequence. Consider the power of imagination. Now consider that power applied to the prospect of a relationship. If that imagination is applied to real people, the potential awkwardness and likely restraining orders quickly become obvious. Sad situations develop, confusion flourishes, and pleading letters are written that involve, for example, the phrase: "Why can't we just be friends, Britney??" (I swear, I didn't mean to actually mail those.)
But fictional characters! That's the way to go. Their very nature and basic existence is due entirely to someone's imagination. They are born in the mind and live there too. So why not invite them into your own? All you have to do next is imagine: a conversation, a party, a kiss, or a road trip. Wouldn't it be nice to have Sam Malone pour you a pint, skip school with Ferris Beuller, or take a raft down the Mississippi with Huckleberry Finn?
I am not alone. The most recent issue of Book Magazine, a monthly publication about those expensive word-filled paperweights we have to purchase every semester for class, published a list of "The 100 Best Characters In Fiction Since 1900." They polled scores of brow-furrowing writers and actors like Michael Chabon and Rod Steiger, then tallied the votes. Despite the ludicrous nature of such a venture, it's still fun to consider the results and imagine your own lists.
And of course, because they are speaking specifically to characters in fiction, my immediate impulse would be to imagine any potential personal relationships with these folks, the supposed best. But the problem lies in that word "best." It's too vague. Best at what?
I'd shout for Atticus Finch (#7 in Book's list) to defend me, if ever I found myself standing in court. But if I had a noodle-scratcher of a mystery to solve, I'd stroll over to Baker Street and beg Sherlock Holmes (#6) for help. I wouldn't mind taking a class with the linguistically adept professor Humbert Humbert (#3) but might shy away from inviting him to my cousin's bat mitzvah.
With such issues in mind I have started a list of my own, The Best Characters in Fiction That I'd Like to Encounter On Various Specific Occasions. To avoid discrimination I intend to include characters from all mediums...
Fishing with Santiago from Old Man and The Sea: Though he seemed to relish his loneliness, I'm sure this ancient mariner wouldn't turn away an extra pair of hands to help him pull aboard that one big catch.
Get in shape with Rocky Balboa from Rocky: "Again, with the freakin' museum steps, can we chose some flat ground for once, dude?" As long as you don't piss him off and have your thumbs broken, I imagine the encouraging persistance and gentle smile of this big bear would keep anyone motivated to continue exercising.
Fatherly advice from Heathcliff Huxtable of The Cosby Show: Remember that time Theo got his ear pierced, or when Denise came home from Africa... married!!?? Remember when Rudy wanted to stay up all night and watch TV!! Oh dear, oh dear, that crazy Huxtable clan certainly has had some wacky adventures. It was the good doctor, our adored patriarch, who helped them all weather the storm each and every week.
Go on the lam with Bonnie from Bonnie and Clyde: I have never set my eyes on a more beautiful bank robber than the sweet and sultry, pouting Miss Parker. Just be sure to enjoy this relationship's beginning, because its end isn't quite as pretty.
Count your money with Scrooge McDuck from Duck Tales: If that afternoon cartoon has taught us anything, it's that counting your money is fun. Especially if you have enough gold coins to go swimming in. Imagine that pleasure, plus crazy adventures with his nephews, the freedom to travel the globe, and the occasional didactic epilogue. Who knows, you "Might solve a mystery, or rewrite history... a- whooh ooh!"
Interpret your dreams with Joseph from the Bible: This guy's so good he impressed the Pharaoh with his ability to decipher even the most indecipherable of dreams, and, you know that hard-hearted Pharaoh's no pushover. Don't let that crazy rainbow coat he wears fool you - this guy's no clown.
Make out with Juliet from Romeo and Juliet: It sure would be nice to hook up with that lovely Miss Capulet. First off, you'll see, she "doth teach the torches to burn bright," this ain't just another pretty lady. So show some "mannerly devotion" and "then, dear saint, let lips do what hands do; they pray," if you know what I mean, wink, wink, nudge, nudge.
Drink wine with Jeremiah from Joy to the World: The members of Three Dog Night certainly made their point. Sure, he may be a bull frog and "you can never understand a single word he says," but without doubt this cheery amphibian will be a good friend, and he "always has some mighty fine wine."
I suggest you start making your own list. Every time you sit down with a book, watch a movie or chill in front of the tube, you might meet your best friend, your wisest teacher, or your one true love. Just imagine the possibilities.
