After thinking it over last night, I have decided that I want to give up writing for The Tufts Daily, and instead enter a new line of work at the University. I believe that it is my destiny to serve as a head coach of some sport, any sport, at my alma mater. In other words, I think that I should be the first student coach of a varsity sport in the history of Tufts (at least as far as I know). The following is a list of five reasons why Mr. Bill Gehling, the Athletic Director, should hire me.
1. I have an unblemished coaching record.
During my senior year of high school, as I have mentioned in other columns, I gave up running track to pursue other fields of interest such as partying. But don't think that all I did during twelfth grade was drink, because that would be completely inaccurate. It was during my senior year that I debuted as head coach of my brother's fourth grade recreation basketball team. In the first game we were down by six with 20 seconds to go. Somehow we managed to pull through and win that game and then we went on to win our next eight games and the league championship. Our greatest triumph came in the season's eighth game, a battle between squads with perfect records. We dominated the showdown and the opposing coach, a sore loser, protested the outcome because he felt the ball was unsuitable for his team to play with. He lost. Obviously, following the perfect season I had to abort my coaching career to go to college (big mistake). But nevertheless, my career record is unblemished. It's not often that a Division III university has the opportunity to hire an undefeated coach with big game experience.
2. In recent years many members of the media have gone into coaching and excelled.
Bob Brenly, formerly a professional baseball player, served as the Arizona Diamondbacks' broadcaster for a number of years before being hired to guide the club. Though he had no prior experience as a manager, Brenly turned out to be the perfect choice - he led the Diamondbacks to their first World Series title last November. Similarly, Larry Dierker, a former pitcher and broadcaster for the Houston Astros, also had no managerial experience when he was hired out of the booth to lead the Astros. Dierker went on to win four division titles. Clearly, it is the new trend to hire former athletes with no big time coaching experience to guide the teams that they covered as members of the media. I meet all three criteria, as I am a former athlete with no college or professional coaching experience and I am a sports editor for the Daily and thus have covered many teams. By hiring me to coach anyone of Tufts' varsity teams, Mr. Gehling could rest assured that the lucky squad would make the playoffs.
3. I could single handedly-boost fan attendance at games and perhaps also increase the pool of applicants to Tufts.
Since I would be the first student/varsity coach in the history of Tufts University (at least in recent memory), I would be somewhat of a freak show. Many students would go out to the games either to root my team and I on or would go out in hopes of watching me fail miserably. Furthermore, I'm sure the story of Daniel Fowler, 21 year old college coach, would be big enough to at least get into the Boston Globe. And who knows - maybe they'd do a little segment of me on ESPN. This would be great for University as a whole because it would serve to get the Tufts name out, something which Tufts often fails to do on its own. I know this might seem like a bit much, but they might put my mug on the cover of Sports Illustrated. If any of the aforementioned things were to happen, you can be certain that more people would apply to this institution and more people would want to play sports at Tufts. Simply hiring me as a coach would increase the pool of applicants at the University and additionally, higher profile athletes would be interested in playing here.
4. I would improve the sometimes-tenuous relationship between the Daily sports department and the Tufts University coaches.
In my life as a Daily sports writer/editor I have taken heat in some arenas for being overly critical of the team I cover, questioning coaching decisions and/or creating disharmony on the team. I have counter-argued that I am merely reporting on what I see and I am sorry if the truth hurts. By leaving the world of sports reporting for the coaching world, I would be putting myself in the line of fire. Now instead of asking coaches difficult questions that they sometimes refuse to answer, I would be the one forced to answer the tough questions.5. I would be willing to work for free.
I know that Tufts cares a good deal about money. I know this because my parents pay tens of thousands of dollars for me to have the opportunity to attend this fine institution. In addition to the tuition, I have noticed that I am constantly being charged ridiculous sums of money for frivolous things. For instance: parking tickets. I owe upwards of $200 based on the fact that TUPD has ticketed my car at least four times. Who charges $50 per ticket, and why should I pay for a parking permit? My parents already give this place $40,000. Furthermore, I loved it when I lived in the dorms and I would be charged a random amount of money if one of the idiots who happened to live in South (freshman year) or Houston (sophomore year) pulled the fire alarm or decided to do some artwork with magic markers on the wall. Why the hell should I be fined for that? I guess money is scarce at Tufts these days.
Therefore, I am willing to coach any varsity team in exchange for clearing up any outstanding fines or tickets that I may have incurred over my two and a half years here. I will not ask for a salary. Getting a head varsity coach who does not ask for a base salary seems like an opportunity the seemingly cash strapped university would jump at. Maybe Tufts could spend the $50,000 or so that they will save by not having to pay my salary and use it to hire a full-time professional mediator to resolve disputes between ThePrimary Source and whoever the magazine offends on any given day.
@s:Why I should be a coach
