Movie theaters get bigger all the time, making it harder to find intimate places that show offbeat features in small settings (thankfully, the Somerville Theater remains). And as movie audiences inflate, I notice a growing trend: people are jerks.
I don't mean hypothetical people, either. I mean you and your friends. I mean the people down the road. Sometimes, I might even mean me. But one way or another, Americans need to wake up to the fact that what they do while watching a movie affects everyone in the theater, and I don't want to waste $8 to hear or see something besides the movie I've paid for.
With that in mind, the ten things that I most want to change about the audience in every movie I've been to this year:
Making out
Seinfeld got it right when Newman lambasted Jerry for necking during Schindler's List: some movies should never lead to romance. And to be reasonable about it, there's no reason to get frisky during serious movies anyway. If it's a first date, there's no way you should be going to a serious movie anyway (and don't expect to be getting any during the show unless dinner goes really well). Find something with John Cusack or Meg Ryan (or both) and try to blend in amongst the other budding romantics in the crowd - there should be a few. If it's not a first date, then you shouldn't need to resort to the movies at all. You all have homes, people. Go where we won't have to watch you.
Odor
A rare but potent complaint that's more frequent in movies like The Fellowship of the Ring or Star Wars than in the happy date movies (life lesson number one: people on dates tend to smell nice). The source? Usually just the shambling, black-t-shirt-wearing 14-year-old guy who's pissed off at the world (life lesson number two: if you think everyone hates you, try wearing deodorant and checking again).Cell phones
Complaining about cell phones is so easy that it isn't fun anymore. And hell, who hasn't forgotten to turn off their phone at just the wrong time? Still, I can't understand the people who not only answer calls but make calls in the movie. Unless you're a movie critic who's phoning in a live article (and you're not), there is no one who needs to hear just how your movie-watching experience is going. "Nick, you're going to love this one. This girl just got her head ripped off by this slime-vampire, and he shoved the rest of her in a mailbox. Hey, can I call you back in a few? I've got another call."Drug use
The bottom line: if you must go to a movie drunk or stoned, at least make a token effort to conceal it. Putting your whiskey in a Coke cup doesn't count if you spill it everywhere and make all the people at the matinee of Ice Age feel like they're watching a video at a distillery. Having fun shouldn't get in someone else's way.Loud conversations
Just like the cell phones, it can wait until after the movie. Again, do you not have a home? Do you need to pay $8 just to have a place to sit for two hours? I'd rent out my hallway for $1 an hour if you need a place to chat with your friends. Save yourself some money and give me a call.MST3K fans
These are the people who like to make funny comments about the movie, throughout the movie, and do so loud enough so everyone can appreciate their wit. Yes, it is fun to be that person (especially if the movie is bad). But it is not fun to be the person behind you. Whisper or else save it for home video.
Talking to the screen
Bruce Willis can't hear you. Samuel L. Jackson can't hear you. The girl about to go into the abandoned amusement park where four teens were killed 20 years ago tonight can't hear you. And if they could hear you, they wouldn't pay any attention anyway.Inappropriate laughter
When someone dies in Starship Troopers, it's funny. When someone dies in My Girl, it's not funny. If a movie is even quasi-serious, you're not supposed to laugh at people's misfortunes. This happens in live theater all the time; I would have happily disemboweled the kid who laughed during Hamlet's death scene when I saw it... as well as the person whose cell phone rang immediately afterwards. Exceptions can be made, however: if you laughed during Titanic when one of the people falling down the back of the ship bounced off the propeller. That one gets me every time.Applause
Guess what? America wasn't really saved from near-destruction, no matter how engrossing Independence Day and Air Force One might be. You don't need to applaud. You don't need to jump up and give a standing ovation while chanting "U-S-A! U-S-A!" (see also "Talking to the screen").Young people
Most of these problems stem from the same cause: young people. It doesn't matter who you are, you don't like those younger than you coming to the same theater. Kids hate babies, teenagers hate kids, college students hate teenagers, and everyone else hates college students. No matter how old you are, everyone younger than you is loud, obnoxious, inconsiderate, messy, and disrespectful. And the sooner you grow out of it, the better.
