The Oscar Gods were smiing on Julia Roberts last March. In a series of decisions that could easily have cost her the little gold paperweight, Roberts was walking a fine line between decorum and disaster. The hair? Princess Leia meets Texas debutante. The dress? Are you pregnant? Why else would anyone wear a thin white stripe down her abdomen? And another vintage dress? We've seen it before - give it back to Twiggy and go buy something for this century. Luckily, Roberts prevailed due to her huge smile and some Hollywood politics - if the Academy didn't give her the award, Oprah fans and People magazine subscribers were ready to riot in suburbs across the country. However, Robert's narrow escape from Oscar obscurity could have been much easier if she had just followed a few simple rules. Unbeknownst to many Hollywood insiders, in teeny tiny print at the bottom of the Academy voting slip is a clause by the Academy chairs reserving the right to make a last minute switch if a winner doesn't look so hot. So, out of the goodness of my heart and an appreciation for all things Oscar, I offer some impromptu advice for this year's nominees.
Rule Number One: Don't Be Too Trendy.
When participating in the fashion world's Super Bowl, a nominee must remember the red carpet is not a runway. To think otherwise could send a girl home early, crying into her Harry Winston goody bag the whole limo ride back. The most tragic example in recent history is Kate Hudson from last years Oscars. The media-darling daughter of Goldie Hawn had been doing so well: Hollywood royalty, rock star beau, a staple in both InStyle and Vogue. But somewhere along the line Hudson was led astray, right smack into Little Bo Peep's dress. The cornflower concoction by Stella McCartney had curves and fringe in all the wrong places and was topped off by stiff squiggly curls that hung in her face like a sheepdog's mop. If her name had been in the winner's envelope, it wasn't anymore. In a split-second decision, Academy chairs realized they could in no way justify giving Ms. Hudson 30-plus seconds of solo exposure on national television, promptly crossed out her name, and gave the award to that nondescript Pollack chick who had dressed up like Ava Gardner. Be warned, ladies, be warned.Rule Number Two: Don't Play Princess.
The Academy Awards is Hollywood's prom night - the guys may get dressed up, but it's really the girls' night to shine. That said, the Oscars should not be confused with a debutante ball. Wearing big, puffy, virginal dresses will not endear you to the Academy voters; it will make you look older and like you're trying too hard. Gwyneth tried and even she couldn't pull it off. This is not cotillion and it's not a wedding. Put the taffeta away and wear a real dress.Rule Number Three: Don't Do Old Hollywood.
In the 1980s and early 1990s, it was the battle cry of stylists everywhere: you can't go wrong with Old Hollywood Glamour. At a time when Kim Basinger was designing her own "Bride-of-Frankenstein" dresses and Cher was winning Oscars, it was the fashion world's desperate attempt to inject a little good taste into the ceremony. A decade later and Campbell's Soup labels have more variety. Yes, actresses listened. But they still don't have style. Just better stylists.The hackneyed vintage look is repetitive and confusing, and can be distilled into a simple formula. Take one up-and-coming starlet. Add satin, strapless dress and matching wrap. Mix with wavy hair and red lipstick. Garnish with big diamonds. Shake well and serve on red carpet.
There are numerous examples of Old Hollywood overload from last year alone. Marcia Gay Harden (a.k.a. the Pollack chick) in her wine-hued satin gown evoked many silver screen goddesses of yore. Catherine Zeta Jones, dressed in a simple strapless Versace, looked about as imaginative as potato salad. Renee Zellweger, a recent vintage convert-turned-addict, showed up in a canary yellow strapless gown, requisite wavy hair, and clashing red lips. Boring, boring, boring. If I wanted to see Old Hollywood Glamour, I'd rent Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. Until then, please give modern designs a go.
Rule Number Four: Don't Be Old.
Perhaps the most integral rule on this list. If you want to win an Oscar, you can't be over 35. This looks like bad news for Sissy Spacek, Maggie Smith, and Dame Judi Dench. The old birds won't win for the same reasons that Kate Hudson lost last year - they just won't look as good up there on the podium as other nominees. Droopy jowls, crow's feet, and un-Botoxed brows aren't going to fly with Academy voters. Put Jennifer Lopez up there in a sheer shirt with a stiff breeze and ten times more viewers will tune in than if someone's grandmother is filling the air time. The Academy knows this.But don't feel sorry for the elder nominees just yet. Maggie Smith, up for Best Supporting Actress this year, has already won two Academy Awards (1969, 1978). Sissy Spacek received an Oscar in 1980. And since 1998, la Dame Judi has been up for an award four times. She is also the only one out of the three to have beaten the odds and won an Oscar in the winter of her years (Best Supporting Actress, 1999). But overall, as far as being old goes, I don't recommend it. Remember that Sixth Sense kid who almost cheated Michael Caine out of his Oscar a few years ago? So whether by Botox, collagen, or some finely tuned lifting, avoid aging by all costs. If those tactics don't work, you can always cryogenically freeze yourself like Heather Locklear.
Rules aside, some actresses are doing just fine on their own. For example, what is an award show without the ubiquitous J.Lo? Each red carpet romp is an embraced opportunity to expose yet another erogenous zone. What double-sided tape wonder will this year bring? Sky-high heels and a see-through skirt? A fox fur bikini top? A gold lam?© toga? Only time will tell. And Gwyneth, though she tows the line between insipid and fabulous, is always a perennial favorite if only because she understands that getting free designer clothes means it's not hard to dress well. Angelina Jolie is also always one to watch, though less for her clothes and more because she might make out with her brother or pull a knife on someone.
By this time, Oscar fever has peaked in Hollywood. The makeup artist is booked. Acceptance speeches are being practiced. Nominees have doubled their daily yoga sessions to calm their nerves. But fear not, Oscar contenders. It won't matter if you win or lose. It's what you wore while we were watching.
