"Along the way they not only gather experiences that will change their lives forever, but they also discover how important it is to hold onto their hearts' desires."
- Allied Advertising press release describing the new film Crossroads
So she's finally gone and done it. Our little girl's all grown up. While Christina Aguilera and the boys from 98 Degrees are still goofing around with the child's play that is performing and recording shlock teenybopper music, our sweet Miss Spears has taken that next step. Calling upon her heretofore untapped natural acting skills to create something far grander and greater - something that sits so heavy with import upon our collective psyche that it actually become difficult to walk - Britney has climbed the ladder to what Plato may very well have described as the artistic ideal: a shlock teenybopper movie. A nation rejoices.
But alas, we must wait till Friday. I personally might be able to survive these three long painful days to opening night, for I am strong of will and have prescriptions for many drugs, but I fear that many of the Daily's 14-year old female reader's might not be so well-prepared to handle the excruciating torture that accompanies the endless wait for a Britney Spears movie to open. Take for example, this letter I received the other day from some teenaged sweetie looking for words of guidance as she struggles to endure the agony.
Dear Carson,
Oh my god! Carson Daly, I love you! TRL is like, the most awesome show in the universe and you are the coolest, smartest, cleverest, cutest host ever. (Totally!) My mother tells me your show is the creation of a large corporate conglomerate set on fulfilling its imperialist economic goals at the expense of the minds and hearts of innocent children like me. Is that true? What is your favorite color? (Mine is turquoise!) Oh my god, has Britney told you about her new movie? If I don't get to see it the very, very, very first nanosecond it opens, I think I might just die. (Seriously!) Do you know what happens in the movie? Please tell me. If you do, I would totally love you, like a million and one times more than I already do, if that were possible, but alas, it is not, for no one, not even myself, could love you, Carson Daly, more than I already do.
Hugs and kisses,
Donna, Desperate for Details in Detroit, age 14
After receiving this passionate epistle, I first thought to investigate why I was receiving Mr. Daly's mail. When my detective work turned up nothing I thought it best to respond to the young lady's queries so as not to leave her hanging.
Dear Desperate Donna,
I am writing to you in lieu of my friend Carson Daly who could not answer your lovely letter. I think he is in rehab or, maybe, dead. But do not fret. I have been lucky enough to receive a letter from the publicity department for Britney Spears' new film Crossroads and would be happy to share with you the details I know about the film. Evidently, the movie tells the story of three friends, Lucy (played by Britney - you go girl!), Kit, and Mimi. I don't know about you, but they sound like hussies to me. (Ha, Ha, just kidding!) Anywho, they set off on a cross-country road trip in a '76 Buick to rediscover their friendship. It is a convertible. Along the way they not only gather experiences that will change their lives forever, but they also discover how important it is to hold onto their hearts' desires.
Yeah, yeah, I know Donna, it isn't much. But what do you expect, a press release to give all the secrets away? (If only!) Fortunately for you though, I happen to have seen quite a few movies over the years and maybe, just maybe, I could make a few educated guesses as to how this film might turn out. Now I'm not making any promises, dear, (fingers crossed!) but here are a few suggestions of certain key cinematic elements that you might encounter in Crossroads. Just imagine...
? singing, dancing, singing and dancing
? empowered women
? hearts' desires, held tightly
? profession of love for S'mores
? discussion of boys, cute ones
? pillow fights, hugs
? sexual awakening
? cigarettes, whores
? Sal Paradise
? kissing, lots of it
? the threat of nuclear war, midgets
? declaration of independence from: parents, money, men, society, 'NSYNC, the British
? Bob Dole
? confused rednecks from middle America saying, "Damned, if I know..."
? An evil Bible salesman
? Tori Spelling
? The ghost of Christmas past
? The phrases "I'm a slave 4 U," "Oops, I did it again," and "Boobies, Boobies, Boobies!"
So there you have it Donna, I bet a good 80 percent of those details will show up in Crossroads. (No kidding!) I hope you are looking forward to Friday as eagerly as I am (sometimes I have to remind myself to calm down: "Rob stop drooling!" Anyway, good luck, and enjoy the movie. I know I will!
C U Later,
Rob
