Must see 1 a.m. TV

A brand-new fall network lineup! Too bad it doesn't come on after midnight. I don't know how your days work, but if I want to watch something that's on television at 8 p.m., I have to schedule it in a week ahead of time. College students like to sleep late and stay up late, and primetime TV just doesn't feed to that.

And let's face it: "official" late-night TV is for suckers. Why watch movie stars promote their latest picture _ particularly now that you can watch Conan O'Brien on Comedy Central at two in the afternoon _ when a virtual feast of nocturnal entertainment is right around the corner? No, I say, watch not the "late shows" and the horrible movies. There's some amusing stuff on after 1 a.m.

For beginners to the wee hours, I have three words: Food Network, baby. There's little that compares to watching other people make and eat the most decadent food while you sit starving in a Barcalounger. This trend in "food television" is a classy, 21st-century version of pornography for the hungry.

But it isn't just the food, either. You can learn some fascinating useless things about food production on Unwrapped; what other show could devote an entire episode to mass-produced foods made of cheese? No longer is string cheese one of the great mysteries of the universe.

College students everywhere know that Iron Chef takes cooking shows to a whole new level. Told that they must use some kind of fish that I've never heard of, these chefs can make more things than I can make with an entire grocery store, let alone my kitchen.

And the serious nature of the show is awesome. From the overdubbed celebrity commentaries from pinheaded actresses to Chairman Kaga (who, you might notice, never allows his voice to be dubbed over) to gongs and smoke to the very pretense of "Kitchen Stadium," this show is like a deadpan campy joke that never drops the act. And it isn't a joke: that food looks so good.

(Iron Chef is best watched after Golden Light and Kee Kar Lau are closed, though, because you will get a hankering for something stir-fried, and what you'll end up getting would not please Chariman Kaga.)

For those nights when you're too hungry (or, perversely, too full) to watch someone cooking, though, your next best bet is always TNN _ the National Network. Formerly the Nashville Network, TNN shoots for one of the strangest combination of genre audiences you could think of.

With approximately 15 episodes of Star Trek: The Next Generation in a given week, bullriding competitions, The A-Team, and American Gladiators (in Gladiator Arena!), TNN manages to proudly glorify its Nashville roots and to bring back repressed memories (both good and bad) of B.A. Barracus and of unintentional gladiatorial homoeroticism. And you can get really into these shows, too.

When I find myself rooting for a specific bull rider who was robbed of a good score by a judge or marveling at a particular gladiator's prowess on the Eliminator or wondering what the hell Jonathan Frakes does with himself every day (the answer: directing crappy kids movies like Clockstoppers), I know that TNN's guilty pleasures have ensnared me yet again. But I digress.

You'll see things on the late-night tube that you would never see (hopefully) anywhere else _ for instance, the staggering work of nervous-system shutdown that is The Harlem Globetrotters on Gilligan's Island. Not only do the Skipper and the rest go back to the island to run a resort, but it turns out that a valuable mineral useful for conquering the entire world can be found on ye olde island. Needless to say, a crazed maniac takes over the island with a squad of robots, the Harlem Globetrotters' plane crashes on the island, and our favorite castaways have the adventure of their lives. Watching the Globetrotters play basketball against a team of deadly robots kills more brain cells than grain alcohol.

What about the dating shows? Sure, you'll see plenty of those during the day, too, but the mother-lode comes after 1 a.m. Somehow, they all manage to have their own tweak on the formula. I credit Blind Date for being the funniest with its Pop-Up Video-style messages _ it's oh so painful to see the "Taylor makes a move in five seconds" countdown on screen when you know he's going to get shot down.

But, Change of Heart gets the brass ring for being the cruelest dating show around. A couple going through rough times breaks apart on the show to date different people, and then they come back at the end to decide whether to try things with their "new friend" or to stick with the original. And inevitably:

Will: "I had a good time on my date, but I kept thinking about Lisa the entire time. It really helped me realize how important she is to me. I want to stay with her and fix our problems because I care about her so much."

Lisa: "Well, I slept with Bobby on our date, and it was fabulous, so I think I'm going to make a clean break with Will and try out this new boy-toy."

My only consolation on Change of Heart is to hope that the couples are all just normal friends who lied about their relationship to get set up on hot televised dates. Otherwise, the pain is too much to bear.

Want a taste of the bizarre? Cops is on Fox at 2 a.m., and while it doesn't rank up there with TNN on the nostalgia and guilty-pleasure meters, it's pretty high on the "unexpected crazy drunk guy" meter. Unfortunately, it also makes me sad, so it's not necessarily a favorite. And if train derailments are your thing, Crash Files: Inside the NTSB is a sick, voyeuristic trip.

There's some pretty conventional stuff on late at night, too, and it's much more fun to watch it simply because it's so late (or because it's been cancelled for years). Martin, Living Single, This Old House... one of my favorites being the three-in-a-row marathons of Murder, She Wrote on A&E.

So sleep when you're dead. Even if you don't watch much TV _ surprisingly, I don't _ late night is the best time to get your fill of detached ironic amusement. It's a twisted world of entertainment out there just begging for you to laugh at it.