This Bud's for you, Selig

Actually, Buddy Boy you might need more than a 12-ouncer of Milwaukee's Best after watching the first round of the American League playoffs. But a couple handles of Vodka mixed with a few valiums might do the trick. That's right Mr. Selig _ the Minnesota Twins, the Anaheim Angles and the Oakland A's delivered you a virtual flick of the middle finger when they qualified for the playoffs.

Let's be honest, this was just another blip on the radar screen. Your life was already terrible. Your team, the Milwaukee Brewers, tied for the most losses in Major League Baseball (106), you recently fired your manager. You recently accepted the resignation of the team president (who happened to be your daughter), you got booed at your own home ball park in July when you announced that the all-star game would end in a tie.

And despite having a brand new ballpark, according to The Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel, your attendance fell 30 percent from 2001. In 2001, the Brewers set a club record in attendance with 2,811,040, but in 2002 that number dropped by almost 1,000,000 as only 1,969,153 people made it to the stadium.

This figures amount to an approximately $21 million loss in revenue, but I'm sure you already knew that. Oh yeah, and that new state of the art ballpark of yours with the retractable roof, leaks, creaks and vibrates.

Additionally, your Milwaukee Brewers have not had a winning season since 1992. After suffering through 106 losses this year, they became the only team to have a losing record every season for the past decade and the only team that existed 20 years ago that hasn't made the playoffs since then.

Making matters worse the fact that you are also commissioner of the laughing stock of professional sports, Major League Baseball.

I almost forgot _ after your daughter, Wendy Selig-Prieb, resigned as team president, you replaced her with your buddy Ulice Payne, whose last name seems fitting because it sums up the team's history (read: painful).

Despite a distinguished background (he is a former state securities commissioner and a member of the Greater Milwaukee Committee, and on the board of directors of Journal Communications Inc., which publishes the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel), Payne(fuls)' only baseball related experience came in 1978 when he threw at the first pitch on Brewers' Opening Day.

Payne(ful) earned that honor after he helped guide Marquette to the NCAA College Championship the year before. Earth to Bud _ you hired a basketball player to direct your baseball franchise.

While you, Commissioner Buddy Boy Selig, have been one of the biggest cry babies in the labor disputes over the past few years, claiming that a small market team _ like your beloved Brewers _ cannot compete with teams like the big bad New York Yankees, your fellow small market teams have been turned into contenders.

All you have to do is take a look at the American League playoffs to realize that small market teams CAN compete _ assuming of course that the organization has a competent leader and a clear organizational philosophy. Mr. Selig, just to let you know hiring your daughter and then firing her and replacing her with a basketball player doesn't count as a sound organizational philosophy, unless of course you are trying to break the 1962 Mets' all-time mark for losses in a season (120).

On second thought, by hiring Payne(ful), perhaps, you were onto something. Maybe you are thinking big picture. You realize that the Brewers are going no where, but you also know that if things get bad enough, you can contract them and collect a cool $120 million from the other owners.

Maybe, the solution is to hire former basketball stars turned middle aged businessman. Pay Larry Bird to play right field, Charles Barkley to play first base and throw Magic Johnson behind the plate and you will be well on your way toward 120 losses.

Just think of it this way, after dropping 106 this year you only have 15 more to go _ it could happen. With your luck, however, even if you were trying to lose, the Brewers probably wouldn't lose as many games as you wanted them to, even with over 900 pounds of former basketball greats in your starting lineup.

Enough about the Dream Team for a second, Buddy, and back to the big problem staring you right in your ugly face. Three small market teams qualified for the AL postseason, including the Minnesota Twins, who you tried to contract them last offseason. This is your worst nightmare. How, can you, the man who asks friends and foes alike to call him Bud, justify bitching about competitive balance when small market teams are tearing up the league?

Your life became even worse this weekend when the upstart Angels played out a real life version of Angels in the Outfield as they slew the heavily favored Yankees just as David killed Goliath centuries before. After Game 4 of the series, when the Yankee dynasty came crumbling down my roommate, a die hard Red Sox fan, fixed himself a white Russian. "I made myself a White Russian, as strong as Troy Percival's right arm and as sweet as Derek Jeter's tears."

While my roommate was beside himself, tossing back alcoholic beverages and celebrating the Yankees loss, as if his own sorry Red Sox (see 1918) had won the World Series, I thought to myself this is just sad. And, when I was feeling bad for my roommate and Red Sox fans alike it dawned on me _ you, Bud Selig, were probably in your office at Miller Park with a .44 in your hand pondering whether or not the Brewers could be winners in heaven.

Bud it may seem like I am telling you that its time to end things and move on to heaven. But to be honest, sir, I'm not doing that, and even if I were, the likelihood that God and his friends would accept you, after all the damage you have caused, is dubious at best. I am, however, encouraging you to move on to another phase of life.

Let the Notorious B.I.G.'s words guide you, "Get a grip mother (expletive)." The only way for you to do that is to go back to a simpler time. It's time to go back to days long ago, in that tacky little used car dealership where it all began. Get out of baseball Bud, do yourself and everyone else a favor. You are not a baseball commissioner, nor a baseball owner, nor a baseball player, and at times it's unclear if you are even a baseball fan.