Spade, neutered, or nonoxynol-9ed

Back in the day when summers meant relaxation as opposed to getting ahead, I spent more time then I'd care to admit watching The Price is Right. Bob Barker concluded every show by thanking the audience for tuning in and reminding us to help control the pet population by having all our pets spayed or neutered. Sure, this public service announcement had nothing whatsoever to do with the show, but I do think he was on to something. Think of how much easier our lives would be if our partners were wiling to get spayed or neutered.

Unfortunately, at our age, it's inappropriate to ask our lover to accompany Sparky to the vet and get "fixed." We must rely on less permanent forms of contraception.

Birth control pills are a popular choice for college students because they can be taken without interrupting the action. Although the act of swallowing pills is quite simple, it's often difficult to remember to take them and what other drugs they interact with. If you've gone an entire day without taking a pill, are on antibiotics, sleeping pills, medication for anxiety, or St. John's wort, it could interfere with the effectiveness of birth control pills. Therefore, most doctors say it is wise to rely upon a supplemental method of contraception for the remainder of that month.

Although birth control pills are distributed in pastel carrying cases with sultry names like Yasmin and Alesse, I'd urge all consumers to beware. Any product whose name evokes pictures of frolicking maidens is attempting to cover something up. In this case, the frilly packages are an endeavor to mask the hours you may spend puking, the ten pounds you may gain, and the decrease in your sex drive. While many women take birth control pills with few side effects, adding extra hormones to your body isn't always a walk in the park.

Men tend to like the idea of oral contraception because it gives them an excuse to "raw dawg" it and still feel protected. As effective as birth control pills are, they are by no means magical. There is no impenetrable vaginal field created by the little pink pill that wards off attacking viruses. Oral contraception protects against pregnancy, but not STDs. Sorry guys, even if your girlfriend is on the pill, it doesn't mean that you can do it "raw" and have nothing to worry about.

The only form of birth control that effectively protects against both pregnancy and STDs is a condom. If your condoms have not expired, are stored at room temperature, and are put on correctly, they will fail only 3 percent of the time, according to the book Sexuality Today. But because not all people know how to properly use a rubber or fail to do so consistently, condoms are only 86 percent effective. Bone up on your condom etiquette, and they're an excellent contraceptive choice.

To further increase the success rate of a condom, you may use one in conjunction with a spermicide. Spermicides such as Nonoxynol-9 and octoxynol aren't very successful on their own, but are a worthwhile supplement to another type of birth control. Since spermicides come in different scents, flavors, and ways of application, everyone should be able to find one that fits their fancy.

Regardless of which spermicide you choose, once inserted, you have a limited time to get down to business, as spermicides are only effective for two hours. If you have chosen to go the sponge route, it's important not to remove it until eight hours after intercourse to ensure that all of the little spermies have been caught and killed.

For those of you who are repulsed by the thought of removing a sponge of dying sperm from your vagina, spermicide can be purchased in the form of a suppository. Suppositories take ten minutes to fully dissolve, so if you're dating a minuteman, you have to insert one as soon as foreplay begins.

Some women enjoy using suppositories because as they melt, they produce a warm tingling sensation. For those cold and lonely Boston nights, just add two shots of Tequila and you have yourself a party.

As tempting as it may be to add spermicide suppositories to your pre-gaming routine, be warned that spermicide has been linked to increased incidences of certain types of urinary tract infections. While they're a good extra step for protection, just like chewable vitamins, don't pop 'em in like candy.

Birth control pills, condoms, and spermicides are only three of many different types of contraception. They are however the least permanent measures and involve the smallest amount of doctor interaction. Safer sex can be a hassle, and the side effects of oral contraception can be intimidating. But the ten pounds you can gain from being on birth control pills is better than the twenty-plus you gain if you get pregnant.

In keeping with Bob Barker, thanks for tuning in, and please folks, help control the population; have all your partners sterilized or nonoxynol-9ed.

If you have any questions, please e-mail sex@tuftsdaily.com.