Grieving when far from home

Colleges students face numerous emotional obstacles while living away from home, especially as freshmen. As the United States is on the brink of war with Iraq and in the aftermath of the Columbia Shuttle tragedy, compassion from close friends and family can be critical for students dealing with difficult situations.

One of the most stressful and heartbreaking experiences that college students often go through is receiving a phone call telling them that a close friend or family member has passed away. College friends, although they strive to be supportive, are often not enough.

One sophomore had only been at Tufts for a few weeks last year when he heard that his close friend had died suddenly. "We were so close, and I was completely unprepared for the news," he said.

The loss was even more painful for him because, although his new friends at Tufts supported him, the people who most closely shared his anguish were far away.

"All my friends got to go to the funeral and have each other's support," he said. "During all this I was here, 3,000 miles from home."

In late January, sophomore Jason Slomovitz learned that one of his favorite high school teachers had passed away. Unable to leave school to attend the funeral, Slomovitz dealt with the tragic news alone, feeling that the loss was exacerbated because he had no one to make the grieving process easier.

"It's hard to be so far away from people who are going through the same thing as me," said Slomovitz.

The complaint of not being able to attend the funeral is a common one from those who have experienced a loss while at school. The funeral can be a critical aspect of the grieving process, providing closure and a supportive atmosphere in which to mourn.

Recognizing that many students are unable to leave the campus for a variety of reasons, the University offers students with several resources to help them deal with their grief. The Counseling Center, on call 24 hours a day, is one resource for students who need someone to talk with.

"We see individuals who come here about each person's unique feelings and struggles," Counseling Center Director Dr. Jonathan Slavin said.

Slavin recognizes that there is no standard way in which one should grieve or deal with a trauma, since it is an intensely personal struggle that time and support will eventually ease.

English Professor Virginia Brereton is still reeling from the death of a former student, and tries to convey to her current students that they should be careful.

"You may think we teachers forget about you when you leave our classes," she said. "But we don't. Please, please take care of yourselves."

Some students find the spiritual comfort of religion to be an irreplaceable comfort. The Catholic, Jewish, Protestant and Muslim University chaplains are available to students as well, and can also be reached through the TUPD switchboard.

"Grieving is not a linear process," said Rabbi Jeffrey Summit, the University's Jewish Chaplain and director of the Hillel Center. "One day you are fine. The next you are overwhelmed with grief."

Not all students who lose someone close to them while at school are stranded on campus while enduring the grieving process. Freshman Elizabeth Mann lost a close family friend recently. The funeral was held close to campus, and her immediate family drove from Maine to be with her.

"It was nice my family was so close," Mann said. "I feel as though death can be so surreal, and attending the funeral helped make it a reality."

According to University Chaplain David O'Leary, mourning students resort to vastly different forms of coping. He cites "prayer, anger, lack of sleep, too much sleep, not eating, or eating too much" as examples.

However, O'Leary believes that "the best coping means is to talk it out."

Comforting a fellow student who is experiencing loss is also a challenging prospect. Summit recommends avoiding rationalizing the loss or attempting to explain it. The best comfort one can offer, Summit said, is a sympathetic ear and unconditional support.

"To the Japanese, evanescence means sorrow, but then sorrow becomes something beautiful," Dean of Colleges Charles Inouye explained. "Without an awareness of death, we never really appreciate life."