Physical education

Everyone tells you that you have to exercise. Now, I actually like exercising. You feel good about yourself for doing it, and after a couple of weeks, you find you have more energy than you used to (something every college student could use). But if you don't like to exercise -- which is fine -- don't forget to sneak something physical into your routine.

No, I'm not getting preachy. Get fat and rot. I don't care. I'm talking about physical games. I think that accomplishing something physical (even if it doesn't get your heart-rate going) helps keep you sane. The joy of throwing something and having it go where you want, of swinging at a ball and feeling the gong-like reverberation of the sweet spot on your bat. College is a cerebral environment, and I think some of us forget the thrill of doing something purely real and physical.

College athletes don't forget this joy, and I think that gives them an advantage over other students. Keep your mind focused on books for too long, and you begin to feel that the world is only about books. On the other hand, if you spend over ten hours a week honing and demonstrating your ability to affect the physical world -- to put a ball exactly where you want it or to stop a man from running past you or to beat everyone else to the finish line -- your life falls into a different perspective. When your body is relishing the chance to sit on a bench and breathe deeply, you aren't worrying about the significance of Aphra Behn's play The Rover in the history of English literature and of feminist ideology, you're too busy remembering that you're alive.

Now, I can't lie: I love video games. (There is one dirty, dirty lie in that statement. After all, I can lie to you about anything and everything. Isn't that what newspapers are for? But if I'm going to lie, I'm going to have to do so convincingly, and I'm just not in the mood.). I've ridden the video-game train from the Atari 2600 and the NES up through the GameCube and the Playstation 2. It's been a good trip, but I don't want to talk about it. No matter how much fun I've had with video games, they haven't replaced actual physical satisfaction.

(Get your mind out of the gutter. I'm watching you.)

Of course, the sort of physical activities that most college students go for often aren't traditional sports. Sure, there's intramural soccer and flag football and the like, but these hardly cover the majority of the year or of the student population. I'm talking about simpler stuff. Not just team sports or pick-up games or actual exercises but anything -- casual things like tossing a Frisbee around, drunken things like throwing ping pong balls at cups of beer, dangerous things like hucking lawn darts at toddlers.

Do you imagine that it's a coincidence that Beirut/Panama/Beer Pong are so popular on college campuses? Fact: College students love to get away from their studies. Fact: Most classwork has nothing to do with physical prowess. Fact: College students love to drink. Put these things together and you have a breeding ground for physical drinking games.

And you bet people are proud of their skills! A Beirut tournament is Tufts at its most competitive. Our students may not be as cutthroat on grades like high-pressure suicide machines such as Cornell, but we are passionate about our little games. Even the casual enthusiast knows the sublime joy of having a ball drop cleanly into a cup on a key shot. You don't have to be good to have the love of the game. Which explains why Kevin Costner keeps making movies.

But Tufts is no bunch of bleary-eyed, beer-swilling alcoholics. There are games everywhere. How many student apartments must have dartboards? Throw in some special motivation -- like putting your friend's face on your board -- and people will be lining up to take a throw.

These physical aficionados stay out of the public eye, however, because there's no organization involved. We don't need organizations. If you like drinking games or throwing darts (or throwing knives), you don't need someone else telling you how and when to do it. Get some friends over and have a good time. Hell, go ahead and play darts or practice with your knives on your own time. It's safer.

But don't tell me that you've forgotten all the fun you had when you were a kid. Go to a big toy store and tell me that you don't want to play around. Tell me that a gigantic box of dodge balls isn't tempting. Tell me that you don't ball up your garbage and try to throw it into the can. Oh yeah? Liar.

Embrace it! I think it's high time that we brought more physical games into the mix. I want a pi?±ata at my next party! Why? Because breaking things is fun. And if you don't want candy, mix some other prizes into your cardboard dog or llama or four-legged whatever. Little nips of whiskey! Condoms! Those rings that have whistles on them! I see no end to the possibilities.

Remember the inflatable punching dolls that you could never knock down? These came in two varieties, it seemed: clown and Superman. I've always preferred the Superman one, because come on, there's no way you could knock Superman down. There's no shame in that. After a few rounds with the clown, I wanted take him down for the count and hack that grin off his smarmy plastic face with some scissors. Hence, Superman seems healthier.

The weather's getting better, and I hope to see some great outdoor spectacles. Gigantic water-balloon slingshots! Assassin-style fights across campus with water guns! Forget dodgeball; play dodge-egg! If it's messy or stupid or pointless, who cares? Pretend you're at camp and blow off some silly summer steam.

And if you're at a loss for ideas, just start dropping appliances off your roof. Now there's satisfaction.