Red Sox give up

In an unprecedented move, the Boston Red Sox's majority owner John Henry announced today, in an impromptu news conference, that his team was waving the white flag for at least the 2003 season and possibly more. In laymen's terms, the Red Sox are taking the year off.

"My baseball people and I have just come to the conclusion that we are not good enough to compete this year," a discouraged Henry admitted. "I am a man of dignity and I just refuse to put a product out on the field that will be embarrassing to watch."

Commissioner Bud Selig has yet to comment on Henry's announcement, but insiders say that he supports the decision.

After the 2002 season when the Red Sox finished 93-69, 10.5 games behind the New York Yankees in the AL East, Henry expected to make a flourish of off-season moves to put his team over the top, but nothing seemed to pan out for Boston.

First, the team seemingly snatched GM Billy Beane from Oakland by offering him a ridiculous sum of money. After agreeing to the basic terms of a contract with the Red Sox, Beane backed out at the last second.

"Initially it seemed like a great idea," Beane said. "If I could have turned the Red Sox into winners I would have become the most famous GM ever, but then I realized that even a man as talented as I am cannot do the impossible. All the money I was being offered was not worth the agony."

Following Beane's decision to spurn the Red Sox, the team found itself in the unenviable position of begging people to fill the GM role. Despite offering millions of dollars to respected GMs nationwide, none were willing to take on the tremendous challenge.

"No way I'm taking that job," said one NL GM who was offered the position. "It's simply a no-win situation over there. I could make all the right moves and the team would still finish in last place. The organization is cursed I tell you."

The search for a new GM got so bad that Henry and team president Larry Lucchino actually considered rehiring former GM Dan Duquette, whom they fired last spring. "We needed somebody to serve as the GM, but in preliminary discussions with Dan, he made it pretty clear that it would take $100 million for five years to get him back," Lucchino said. "We would only go as high as $50 million so talks quickly ended."

Finally the team was forced to hire the now 29-year-old Theo Epstein, whose only previous GM experience came last year when he was the GM of his own fantasy baseball team on Yahoo. "Sure, I have no professional GM experience, but I was the Yahoo fantasy baseball champion in my 12-team league," he boasted.

Immediately after agreeing to a contract, Epstein went to work. One of his first planned moves was to sign Cuban ace Jose Contreras. Perhaps not surprisingly, the transaction did not go smoothly and actually did not end up happening at all. While the Sox had already marked Contreras down as the team's third starter, Epstein went to Nicaragua to get Contreras to officially sign on to what Boston already considered a done deal.

"We had already designed the team's 2003 yearbook with Contreras on the cover," Henry said. "Not signing him was a big blow."

Epstein was so positive that he was going to sign Contreras that he rejected trades for much needed aces Kevin Millwood and Bartolo Colon, who were eventually given to the Phillies and the White Sox, respectively, for basically nothing.

But of course the formality of signing Contreras to a contract did not go according to the plan when the pitcher decided that he would rather be the Yankees' mop up reliever than a starter for the Red Sox. "I just want to win and I knew that I would never fulfill that dream as a member of the Red Sox," Contreras said.

After being trumped by the Yankees, Epstein threw a hissy fit, reportedly breaking chairs and windows in the hotel where he was staying. Despite evidence to the contrary, Epstein denied the allegations. "Why would I do that? I am a grown man," Epstein said. "We didn't want Contreras anyway. We have a better plan which involves signing a number of journeymen relievers."

Soon after going public with his plan to sign journeymen relievers instead of solid starters or a closer, Epstein held a press conference to announce the signings of Ramiro Mendoza, Mike Timlin and Chad Fox. "See? I nabbed some pretty fine journeymen just like I said I would," a giddy Epstein gushed.

Next, Epstein decided that he needed to bring in some heavy hitters and made failed attempts to sign Jeff Kent and Edgardo Alfonzo. "We didn't want them anyway," Epstein said. "I have a better plan and it involves fielding a team with three designated hitters who all play at the same time."

So Epstein went out and acquired Jeremy Giambi, David Ortiz and Kevin Millar. "I know that these guys all play the same position, but we'll just stick them all somewhere in the field... Defense is overrated anyway and they all have relatively high on base percentages. Remember, that mantra guided me to the Yahoo championship last year."

Following an off-season when the Red Sox hired a kid GM and signed six journeymen (this does not include new second baseman Todd Walker), Henry and Lucchino went into spring training expecting nothing less than perfection. But, after finishing the Grapefruit League schedule one game over .500, Henry concluded that 2003 was not going to be the Red Sox's year.

"We give up," Henry said. "We surrender. We forfeit the 2003 season. We will take the next year -- and maybe even the next few years -- to rebuild the Red Sox organization. It would just be too embarrassing to play any games this year.

"But don't worry," he continued, "we'll be back in a few years and when we do put our players back on the field, I promise you that they will be good. In fact, I promise you that by 2018 we will have a championship team for you Bostonians... But, for at least this season you will just have to sit tight and bear with us."

In place of regularly-scheduled Red Sox games, Fenway Park will play host to a number of Little League games throughout the summer. "The kids will look better than us out there," Henry said. "You can be sure of that."

April fools?