The Masters circus

This year's Masters is going to be, beyond a shadow of a doubt, the most ridiculous tournament that anyone has seen in quite some time.

Of course, everything inside the gates is going to be fine. It's what's going on outside of this year's tournament that's going to get silly.

But I suppose it's only fitting that this Martha Burk vs. Hootie Johnson catfight should boil down to little more than a circus, because that's really all that is has ever been.

Because, what seems clear, though it may not be entirely true, is that Martha Burk cares more about proving Hootie Johnson wrong than she does about getting female members at Augusta. Likewise, Hootie cares more about ignoring Martha than he does about allowing female members at Augusta.

So Hootie's going to sit comfortably inside his club, smoking a cigar, while Martha and the other rabble rousers are going to put on one hell of a show outside. And I, for one, think that it will be hilarious.

Martha wanted to have 24 women protest right outside of the gates to the course. Now that would have been a little bit funny. Not laugh out loud, bust a gut, lose control of your bowels funny, but it would have given me a good chuckle. Twenty-four people, standing in the rain, yelling, "Let us play too!" while people drive past them without even looking definitely would have made me laugh.

But the sheriff in Augusta decided that it would be too dangerous to have protestors right outside the gate, so he made them move to a field half a mile down the road. And not only is the field a half mile away, it's actually at a lower level than the street.

So now all the protestors are going to have to jump up in the air with their signs above their heads to get anyone to see them. That just tickles me right sideways. I don't know that I could think of a much funnier picture.

But what really nails this down as absolutely hilarious, are all of the other protesting groups. First and foremost, you have your group of women who hate Hootie Johnson. Then, you also have Jessie Jackson, and his group (who also hate Hootie Johnson), but they're protesting even farther away from the course than Martha Burk is.

Then, of course, you have your protestors who are protesting the protestors. There's a group of women, in that same field a half mile from Augusta National, who are protesting against Martha Burk. I can only imagine what they're going to say. "Don't let us in! We don't want to play!" But I digress.

After the women protesting Martha Burk, there's another group that just doesn't like Jesse Jackson, and it will be protesting against him. Behind that group is the one not-so-funny part of the protest, one member of the KKK, who also will be in the same field as Martha Burk.

But after the lone Klansman, it gets a whole lot funnier again, with my personal favorite group of protestors, the "People Against Ridiculous Protests." The city also approved two other protest permits, including one to an unnamed man from Maine (and being from Maine, I can guarantee that this will at least make you giggle.)

This whole situation has comedy written all over it. Won't it be funny to see Martha Burk get pissed off at the "People Against Ridiculous Protests?" And I can't wait to see what happens when the women against Martha Burk try to present her with a petition, supposedly signed by 8,000 people, that essentially tells her to shut her yapper.

I really think that this is the only appropriate way that this saga could play out, short of a barroom brawl or a celebrity boxing match. This was never, at any point a serious debate.

Maybe Martha Burk and the National Council of Women's Organizations actually do care about getting a female member at Augusta. But I can guarantee you that there are a lot of things that women care about infinitely more right now, like making sure that Title IX is protected.

This media circus that Burk has kicked up around the Augusta issue has overshadowed everything thing else that women's organizations are doing, and has created a hugely negative feeling toward feminists everywhere.

Martha Burk should not give up on the Augusta issue, but she should tone it down a few billion notches. Saying ridiculous things like CBS' coverage of The Master is an insult to women in the US armed forces does not help her cause. It just makes people side with Hootie and the club even more.

Of course Augusta should have a female member, and maybe eventually it will. But direct attacks against stubborn people like Hootie Johnson don't work, and they never will.

The Masters already dropped all of its corporate sponsors just to prove that it will never, ever, change anything because someone tells it to. Members will listen to suggestions, and say thank you, but as soon as you order them to do something, you can rest assured that it is never going to happen.

So Martha Burk can go ahead and protest and make all the noise she wants. She should just realize that it will get her nowhere. I, for one, won't want to miss it.