First NFL Weekend Full of Embarrassments

While that first full Sunday of NFL games always appears appetizing when we look at the schedule, it can take on nightmarish qualities before the Doritos in the bowl are even half finished.

The start of the 2003 season was no different. We cannot be sure of anything more than that half the NFL is 1-0 and the other half is 0-1, but the fashion in which some squads went about their business deserves a second look.

Embarrassment is the last thing a team wants coming out of Week One. And yet, there are at least five teams that are redder in the face than the other losers from the weekend.

The New England Patriots put forth the most putrid performance of the bunch. With Lawyer Milloy and the Buffalo Bills lining up across from them, the offense appeared haunted all day by the possibility that Buffalo may know what was coming next. Tom Brady had his worst day as a professional, and I am sure Bill Belichick would not put this on his career highlight tape either.

The 31-0 shellacking was the Pats worst opening loss ever, and the first time they had been shut out since Bill Parcells' first year, 1993.

In San Francisco, a 49ers team that many expected to be on the skids silenced the naysayers, at least for the moment, as they took the hammer to the visiting Chicago Bears, 49-7. Kordell Stewart again showed his ability to bring his "F" game when the spotlight shines brightly as it does on opening day. His 21.9 passer rating was only slightly better than Tom Brady's 20.4 and the Broncos' Jake Plummer's 21.7.

Speaking of Plummer, his team still laid a good sized 30-10 whooping on the same old Cincinnati Bengals despite his three picks and all around ugly day. Such is the manner in which the Bungles operate, though.

Who cares if the other quarterback is playing like garbage? With Cincinnati, factors that are in their favor (the new Marvin Lewis regime, playing at home, dope new all-black uniforms, a quarterback on an off day) will never make a bit of difference. Their quarterback, Jon Kitna, will still throw a shovel pass from his own five yard line into the arms of a waiting linebacker who gallops into the end zone. They will still let Clinton Portis run roughshod through them for 120 yards. For a sure thing, count on death, taxes and the ineptitude of the Bengals.

The Philadelphia Eagles opened the Monday Night Football season and their new stadium in the same way they closed out their old stadium...by allowing the Tampa Bay Buccaneers to collectively punch them and their fans in the gut. While their 17-0 loss carries none of the weight last January's NFC Championship drubbing does, it does call into question Donovan McNabb's passing accuracy and their defensive front seven, which looks a bit disoriented without Hugh Douglas and Shawn Barber.

The "shock of the week that may not be so shocking upon closer inspection" was the Houston Texans' dismantling of the perennially contending Miami Dolphins. Not only did the Fins, and more specifically spot starter Jay Fiedler, allow the Texans to pick off two passes, but the mostly porous Houston D also held Ricky Williams to 69 yards on 15 rushes.

True, Miami was not completely dominated by the Texans, thus they weren't embarrassed in the manner the Pats or Bears were. But on the heels of a season where they improbably missed the playoffs, also on a last second field goal, and with a defense that added Junior Seau and Sammy Knight, these types of losses can hardly be tolerated. While Miami usually starts hot and finishes soft, their season now depends on them reversing their trend, seeing as this beginning was nothing short of yucky.

Panic should not be setting in yet, though, for any of these five teams. Last season, the Buccaneers, Steelers and Jets all lost the first game and went on to win their divisions. But a loss seems to take more steam away from a team than a win adds.

One More Thing: Only four men ran for 100 yards on Sunday, while a whopping 11 players caught 100 yards worth of balls. While coaches always preach about running the ball to set up the offense, teams such as the Raiders have set the new trend: short passes to set up even longer passes.