Cat in the Hat

I will not see you for a buck. I will not see you for a pickup truck. Buck, truck, what the f***. Good God, Mike Myers -- boy, did your movie suck.

This Friday, Dr. Seuss returns to the silver screen with the former Austin Powers star (Myers) as the cat himself in the movie adaptation of the similarly-named book. Produced by Brian Grazer, who was also involved in How the Grinch Stole Christmas, The Cat in the Hat is a dreadful, immature, and horrendous attempt at making a ten-page-book into a full-length movie.

Not that it is even all that long. Figure this: you're probably reading this review in your plus block which is 75 minutes long. This movie is shorter than your professor's lecture. At 73 minutes, this is by far one of the shortest "full-length" movies ever. What's worse is, given the expensive ticket prices -- many parents pay upwards of six or seven dollars for each of their offspring -- viewers deserve more than barely over an hour's worth of entertainment.

Not that it is even all that entertaining. Granted, I'm a college student reviewing a kid's movie for a college newspaper, but as animated flicks of the past few years have shown, kid's movies can be fun for all ages. The resounding successes of "family" films like Finding Nemo this summer, or even Freaky Friday, also this summer, proved this to be the case. So why did Myers find it necessary to throw in flatulence jokes and many instances of obvious inferred profanity, all of which could be understood by any kid over five. Felines apparently don't believe in the art of subtlety.

For those of you who lived through a dreary childhood, the very basic plot takes place on a rainy day, when two children, Sally (Dakota Fanning) and Conrad (Spencer Breslin), are left at home by their mother (Kelly Preston) in the hands of inept babysitter Mrs. Kwan. Enter The Cat (Myers), an off-the-wall, non-stop ball of uncontrollable energy. Myers' The Cat is excruciating to watch. Using an accent that combines his Linda Rondstadt impersonation with the Dr. Evil drawl, it's replete with the most irritating laugh this side of Woody Woodpecker.

Seeing how the original story is barely more than eighty-lines long, it was impossible to flesh out the text into a full-length movie. So screenwriters Alec Berg, David Mandel, and Jeff Schaffer, threw in Alec Baldwin's character as a denture-wearing louse aiming to woo Mom and toss the kids into a military academy. They also added an awkward plotline about a mysterious chest that ends up turning the house into a real-life Salvador Dali painting. At least with the Grinch, there was a solid foundation for an interesting lesson about love and caring. There is no semblance of morality in the The Cat in the Hat, in the book or in the film.

Nine-year-old Fanning is the sole shining light in the The Cat in the Hat. Continuing her string of great performances in I am Sam and Uptown Girls, Fanning has nailed down the perfect combination of cuteness and acting depth -- something that hasn't been seen in a child actor since Jodie Foster. As Sally, the bossy friend-less girl who "can't tolerate bossiness in others," Fanning shows a great transition to a girl who is "just right."

Part of the love and allure of Dr. Seuss books was the pure silliness and imagination found within each and every turn of the page. While the gloriously vibrant colors do add a splash of children's literature to the otherwise dull film, the constant meta-character of the script is rather frustrating. On the rare occasion when Myers spoke directly to the camera in his Austin Powers movie, it was hilarious and in tone with the parodistic character of the spoof trilogy. In The Cat in the Hat, it's like a constant barrage of reminders saying, "This isn't a book, this is a movie! And a cheesy commercial one at that!"

When Myers reminds the audience to go on the Cat in the Hat ride at Universal Studios Orlando, it is the final straw. We've been acclimated to commercialism in films, and the continuous product placement of Ford automobiles was bearable. But to blatantly toss in a pitch for an amusement ride? As Conrad says in the penultimate scene, "You don't know when enough is enough." Mike Myers could use some similar advice; his over-the-top performance ruins the Seuss classic that has entertained children readers for decades.