Turkey tennis

While most of you bums probably sat around all afternoon on Thanksgiving watching sports, I can proudly say I did not.

I didn't have a TV.

Nevertheless, my Thanksgiving Day athletics were of a far nobler, time honored, pureblooded lineage. While most of America was falling asleep watching the Cowboys get smoked, the Austin family members were competing amongst themselves in the second annual Turkey Tennis Tournament, the winner of which would be crowned Ultimate Turkey Tennis Champion and ruler of all things ping pong.

The brackets for the double elimination tournament were constructed by Tommy, my brother and the youngest of the family who, with the utmost nobility (or through the utmost stupidity), gave himself the hardest route to the title.

The tournament rules were also written by young Tommy and encouraged trash talking, whining, and complaining (what good rule book doesn't?) and also subjected all participants to random drug tests to be performed at any point during the tournament. We were slightly surprised to find that Mom had been juicing after her test came back positive for THG.

There were no seeds in the tournament, but it was clear from the outset who the front runners were. Tommy, at the young age of 18, had youthful legs, a competitive fire, and an inner confidence that is sure to get him into trouble one day. Many have compared his style to that of a young Andre Agassi, but that may be because he wears pink shorts. Tommy was sure to go deep into the tournament, though he had made his road as tough as possible.

To win the crown, young Tom would have to knock off Uncle Joe, Kali, and myself, the other three favorites. Joe, though slightly older and quite a bit slower than Tommy, was the reigning champ, and a model of table tennis consistency. His consistency and control, along with his amazing lack of power, have drawn comparisons to Martina Hingis.

Kali, a D-I lacrosse goalie at Holy Cross, has the hand-eye coordination of a fighter pilot, though not much else in her table tennis repertoire. The only thing separating Kali from the title was a ruthless temper and ravenous appetite that would be exploited in later rounds of play.

And then there was me. I brought to the table a combination of power and finesse unlike any other competitor. My ability to work corner to corner was unmatched, as was my powerful forehand. My one weakness (as you may have guessed) was surely a lack of mental fortitude. I have a knack for giving up huge leads.

The two dark horses in the tourney were sure to be Elizabeth (cupcake route to the loser's bracket semifinals) and Dad (skilled and consistent but with the competitive fire of a kitten on sleeping pills).

As expected, the weaker seeds bowed out early, though some put up more of a fight than originally thought, and as the field narrowed, the tournament was temporarily paused for turkey. While Tommy and I budgeted our intake of poultry so as not to be slowed by the tryptophan, Kali gorged herself on the immense spread -- a move that would have dire consequences in later rounds.

When play resumed, Tommy and I both fell to Kali in the Championship bracket, setting up an epic showdown between brothers in the loser's bracket. And after Kali fell to Joe (who had romped his way through the tournament) in the Championship bracket, the winner of the brother vs. brother duel would face Kali again in a much-anticipated rematch.

As play commenced and the crowd stirred, I quickly jumped out to a sizeable 9-3 lead over Tommy. But like a true Red Sox fan, I couldn't hold on. Before I knew it, the match was tied at 12-12, and an all out dogfight to the end ensued. We traded point for point until I slipped up and Tommy went up 20-18. I was facing two consecutive match points, but through the grace of God I pulled them out. My heroic efforts proved all for naught, however, as Tommy pulled the match out 23-21.

On such a high following our epic battle, Tommy demolished a turkey-laden Kali in his next match, frustrating and angering her with his consistency, and moved on to face Joe in the finals.

The Championship was Joe's to lose. Tommy, coming from the loser's bracket, had to win two consecutive matches for the crown, while Joe needed but one. The showdown that ensued was nothing short of Ali-Foreman. Tommy steadily wore down the older competitor, who on his sixth match of the day had little to nothing left in the tank. Though the score was close, the match may have been over before it even started -- after such a win over yours truly, there was no way Tommy was going to lose.

As his last ball flew wide right, Joe collapsed in tears, while Tommy erupted in celebration. Somewhere in the distance we could hear the voice of Howard Cosell calling, "Down goes Frazier! Down goes Frazier!" As Joe wept, Tommy strode off, hands raised high, the new owner of the Ultimate Turkey Tennis title.

The guard has been changed. A new champion has been crowned. The world may never be the same.