Home by twelve?

Few students have fond memories of the days of parental curfews and rules. After breaking free by living on campus -- a decidedly parent-free zone -- some students find returning home to such parental guidelines over college breaks frustrating

"We see a number of students after Thanksgiving break, especially freshmen, because it can be a bit of an adjustment," said Dr. Luanne Grossman, Supervising Psychologist at the Counseling Center.

"Students feel that they've changed; are more grown up," Grossman said. "It can be a big issue if they feel grown up, but don't feel that their parents recognize it. They don't want their parents to see them in the old ways, and may fear that they are returning to the old ways."

Since first-year students have just spent a semester learning to live on their own, some feel entitled to more freedom at home as well. According to Grossman, students' new, more adult self-perception may become most apparent during the first Thanksgiving and winter breaks back home.

One common area of conflict between returning students and their parents involves curfews. "At home, my curfew is 2 a.m. on weekends and 12 a.m. on weeknights," sophomore Thuy Le said. "It's early on weeknights because my parents don't like me coming in late and waking them up, since they have to get up early the next day for work."

These curfews are a change from Le's schedule during the semester: "[The curfew] gets annoying when I want to stay out late," Le said.

Even for those without curfews or time limits, living at home can seem restrictive. "I don't have a curfew anymore, but my parents stay up until I get home, and so aren't happy if I'm out late," sophomore James Fraser said. "And no matter what time it is, I have to tell someone where I'm going. I understand, but of course it's annoying because when I'm [at Tufts] I could stay out for days at a time without anyone knowing."

Senior Nikhil Abraham remembers feeling similarly boxed in during his first year at college. "Returning home during freshman year was probably the most restrictive," Abraham said. "I had only been away for three months, and my parents wanted me to come back home at a certain time, and sleep and eat all at certain times."

"During the summer months, my parents also wanted me to work," Abraham added. "So there were [also] expectations and different time schedules than what I was used to when I came back home."

According to Dr. Julie Jampel, Senior Staff Psychologist at the Counseling Center, such discrepancies between parents' and students' schedules and expectations are common.

"Parents tend to remember the kids who left high school," Jampel said. "That tends not to be the person that comes back. Once you have been away from somewhere, you are different. Different experiences shape people."

Considering the situation from a parent's point of view can be helpful for students struggling to readapt to home life: students must take into account that they are not the only ones that have to adjust to changes during this time. "There is a pull on the parents' side, too," Grossman said. "They want you to grow up, but it's familiar to them to relate to you in the way they used to relate to you."

To parents, abiding by curfews and other rules can demonstrate a grasp of responsibility, prompting them to think of their children more like adults. "The more I obey my parents' rules, the better they treat me in return," Le said.

"I should respect my parents' rules because I am living in their house," she added. "I like my parents, and they have been real lenient in the past, so I just want to keep them happy."

According to Grossman, the best way to cope with this issue is to talk about it. "You have to get to know each other again," she said. "Find a way to understand what your parents' concerns are, and also a way to voice what you want. In a calm moment, negotiate about it."

Such discussion has been helpful to Le. "I don't really ask my parents for permission to do anything really, but I let them know my plans and they're generally ok with it," she said. "They trust me enough."

For those students whose relationships with their parents over break do not benefit from discussion, there's good news: many find that adjusting gets easier as time progresses.

"There has been a large difference between freshman and senior year," Abraham said. "My parents used to wait up for me to come back home, and they don't do that anymore. The expectations gradually lessened as the years have gone on."

However, Abraham said that with this freedom comes responsibility. "As those restrictions lessened, I gained other responsibilities such as dropping off or picking up my siblings, and helping with some of the larger events during the holidays," he said.

Whether their parents are immediately receptive or not, Grossman said, the best advice for all students is to let parents know how they feel. "The biggest problems come when you don't talk about it," she said.