Before reality T.V., there was variety

Back when television was new and black-and-white was all that was available, variety shows ruled television rankings. The format, which functioned as a series of short sketches, musical acts, and drop-ins by guest stars, powered everything from "Carol Burnette" to "The Muppet Show," rising and falling all in a span of thirty years.

Variety shows died in the late '80s; the format has given way instead to the much cheaper and much more easily produced reality television that now rules the airwaves. But as every fan of "Friends" or the "Terminator" franchise now knows, dead horses in the entertainment world exist only so they can be kicked, brought back once more to taunt us with the idea of what once was and what might still be, if only Hollywood could get its act together.

And so the variety show has returned to our Technicolor television sets, this time in the form of "Nick & Jessica's Variety Hour," which made its debut last weekend on ABC Sunday night. The network, much too eager to cash in on the names of two of their hippest stars, brought the format back from the grave in a one-hour, supposedly one-time special intended to showcase its talent, amuse its viewers, and rake in far more than the network's share of the night's advertising profit and ratings.

The hosts, Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson, owe their recent popularity to their MTV reality series, "The Newlyweds," which revolved around the young married couple's home life. Lachey, formerly of 98 Degrees fame, starred alongside his wife, popular singer Simpson, who became well-known for her ditzy comments as she wondered whether the "Chicken of the Sea" was actually tuna or chicken and asked her husband if "camaraderie" was really a word.

ABC was banking on the couple's popularity and personalities to carry a variety show in the same manner that the all-time classic "real life" celebrity couple, Sonny & Cher, did back in the 1970s. Nick & Jessica, who apparently aspire to be recognizable on a first-name, "&"-sign basis exactly like their predecessors, might not enjoy the same quirkiness that drove Sonny Bono into politics and his eccentric wife into her long-haired, raspy-voiced persona, but their "Variety Hour" was set in a format that anyone who has caught late-night reruns of the hit "Sonny & Cher's Comedy Hour" should find familiar.

The show opened with a promise: no cheap gags, no gimmicks, and no celebrity walk-ons. This pact, however, was broken almost immediately, as Lachey and Simpson launched into a dance number straight off Broadway and were quickly greeted by once-popular singer Jewel. Simpson joined Jewel in a duet, Lackey launched into a song with Kenny Rogers, and the "Nick & Jessica's Variety Hour" was on its way.

The variety show format faded out around the end of the 1980s, and for good reason. Rising salaries destroyed the show type, and in a genre that depends heavily on celebrity guest stars and well-known walk-ons, increased demands for higher pay means that the biggest names can't be covered in the show's budget. Today, shows like "Nick & Jessica" are forced to rely on celebrity has-beens who, while certainly recognizable in their day, are next to unknowns among the young teenagers who make up the majority of the hosts' fan base.

"Nick & Jessica" may try its best, but stars from the late 1980s and 1990s can't boost the 2004 variety show back to the popularity that it enjoyed in its "Sonny & Cher" heyday. Younger viewers know "The A-Team" from 2 a.m. reruns as one of the shows that their parents used to watch; they're more likely to recognize Mr. T from detergent commercials than they are to remember him pitying fools. The genre needs popular, well-known figures to carry its format, and those very high-priced stars make the shows impossible to recreate decently as anything but one-shot specials.

But even this supposedly one-shot special couldn't rise to its billing. The show certainly had its moments -- who couldn't help smiling as Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy joined Lachey and Simpson in a duet? -- but in the end, the two hosts couldn't carry the format. Simpson looked more like Quasimodo than Cher while contorting her face during her musical numbers, and Lachey came across as little more than a handsome backdrop for his wife's jiggling chest. Variety shows need charismatic hosts as much as they do popular guest stars, and the young couple simply couldn't keep the momentum rolling.

Whether or not the special returns again is up to ABC. "Nick & Jessica's Variety Hour" enjoyed high ratings for its time slot, and as long as 1980s personalities and 1990s pop stars can keep drawing in the numbers, you can bet that the network will keep milking its cash cow for all that it is worth. But even as they paid tribute to the pioneers of the format by closing their show with the Sonny & Cher standard, "I've Got You, Babe," Lachey and Simpson still came across as little more than cheap imitations, riding a wave of twentieth century nostalgia in order to further their own careers.

Even if the hour-long show comes back for another run, your time would likely be better spent digging up old tapes of the "Sonny & Cher Comedy Hour" or the "Carol Burnette Show" than flipping the channel to find "Nick & Jessica." The variety show died a quiet death over a decade ago, and nothing, not even teenybopper popularity brought on by an MTV reality series, can bring it back.