Last summer I met a truck driver at Denny's who gave me some of the most insightful relationship advice I've ever received. "It don't matter if you're in a relationship," he drawled, "you better always be looking. And if you're not, then you're dumber than I think you are."
By "always be looking" he didn't mean jump everyone you're attracted to even if you're in a committed relationship. His point was that even couples who feel content must always be aware of their other options, and constantly be evaluating if they have made the right choice.
When we stop questioning our relationships, they become mindless habits. Like making a wish at 11:11, you do it without question. But if questioned, you wouldn't know why you do it. It's scary to challenge your relationship, because what if it leads you to answers you don't like. Maybe you realize that spending time with your partner feels closer to the definition of community service than the definition of fun. Or "I love you" has become nothing more than a synonym for "goodbye", or just something to fill the silence. What if, when you take a step back and evaluate your relationship, you realize that it's over?
Unfortunately, being honest enough with yourself to admit when something is over is only half the battle. Knowing you should end it, and then having the balls to actually do it are two entirely different things. Staying with someone who you're not completely content with can be all too easy. "She's not Mrs. Right," you say. "But she's good enough to be Mrs. Right now, and at least this way I can get regular sex." Since we're only 20, it feels like we have endless amounts of time to meet someone else, so going though the pain of a break up feels like something we can put off until we're in the right mood. But this logic only works for so long.
It's as though we're all at this big party with a really good buffet. We see the table full of food and think "there's so much here, I'm just going to schmooze for a while, and come back for it later." So you spend the next few hours putzing around, and by the time you get back to the table there are only a few pieces of dried up chicken that would probably bounce higher than a rubber ball if you dropped them on the floor.
The moral of the story is that time flies, even if you're not having fun. If 15 feels like yesterday, then 25 is sooner than tomorrow. Before you know it you're 27 and still with that person you kept meaning to break up with in college. At this point you have two options, either you marry the person you're not completely satisfied with, cause there's nothing left out on the table but soggy chicken, or you finally dump them and try to find the back room where catering might have stored some more leftovers. But scrounging for leftovers carries no guarantees.
If you're not happy, get out now. As bad as you may feel breaking up with someone, you're a much bigger jerk if you stay with them under the pretence that everything is perfect. You deserve to be with someone who is at least 90 percent of what you want. Further more, your partner deserves to be with someone who is at least 90 percent wanted. You would never want your girlfriend or boyfriend to stay with you out of pity, or because they don't have the strength to deal with the guilt associated with making someone cry.
Relationships end, and that's part of the game. You're not the first person to have your heart broken, or to break someone else's heart. As painful as a break up can be, you will both get over it and move on. If you're dealing with a break up, take the necessary time to mourn, but then feel lucky that it's happening now, when there's still a lot of good food on the table.
