Sometime on the morning of Sept. 12, 1962. In a bunker somewherebetween Houston, Tex. and the center of the Earth. A secret meetingbetween the leaders of every nation, to decide the fate of theworld.
U.S. President John F. Kennedy: Welcome, ah, ladies and, ah,gentlemen. We ah heah to divide up, ah, the known universe for thenext, ah, hundred yeahs. Please, ah, take your seats for thebeginning of the, ah, draft.
Soviet Premier Nikita Khrushchev: The greedy capitalist entity-- err, the United States will select first, and the benevolentSoviet brotherhood will select second. Then we'll just go inalphabetical order because "Rocky and Bullwinkle" is about to beon.
Kennedy: With the first pick in the, ah, 1962 world draft, theUnited States of America selects... the moon. We claim the moon forthe next, ah, hundred yeahs. If, ah, any of you sneakysons-of-a-no-good-commie-bahstad even think of, ah, setting foot onthe lunar surface, we'll, ah, bomb you back to the, ah, stoneage.
Khrushchev: Why you low-down, no-good, imperialist hegemon,Kennedy, you lied and told us the moon was ineligible for thedraft. If we would have known he was cleared by the NCAA, we wouldhave given you our pick and Lenin's tomb for a chance to have acosmonaut drive a dune buggy around the moon.
Fine then, we'll take the gold medal in basketball at the 1972Olympics. We'll concede the games to the U.S. every other yearafter that, but mark my words, you Masshole, within a decade we'llland a comrade on the Olympic medal podium.
Kennedy: Ha, ha, ah, ha, Khrushchev. You better hope they hiresome crooked refs, 'cause our dudes are as cool as, ah, the otherside of the pillow. The next selection goes to those, ah, commiesoff the Florida coast. Cuba, you're, ah, up.
Cuban President Fidel Castro: Con el tercer selecci�n deld�a...nosotros quer�amos a las camisetas de CheGuevara.
Kennedy: Hey, ah, Bobby, what'd he say?
Attorney General Robert F. Kennedy: I think Castro just drafteda bunch of t-shirts.
Castro: No, no, no. Uds. son estupidos. Nosotros queremos vendercamisetas de Che. Get it through your heads, Kennedys, we getexclusive rights to all sales of t-shirts with Che's picture onthem. F-O-R-E-V-E-R. Just like Yogurt in "Spaceballs," the game'sabout moichandizing.
Khrushchev: You moron, Castro! You sold out to capitalism. Wemight as well pull out the missiles we've been loading into Havanaharbor all summer. Why don't you just bend over and let Kennedyshove a Chiquita banana and a can of Coke up you rear so you cancomplete your betrayal?
Next up is Kenya. I'm not quite sure how they got into thisdraft -- I guess France was tied down in Indochina this week.Anyway, here's Kenya.
Kenyan President Mzee Jomo Kenyatta: With the fourth pick in the1962 world draft, Kenya selects... the Boston Marathon. Get itthrough your thick skulls, super powers, the days of Johnny Kelleyare over. We're about to run the table on you.
Kennedys and Khrushchev: Muah, ha, ha, ha.
Khrushchev: Yeah right, Kenyatta. I'll bet that 50 years fromnow, you won't even have a runner in the top 10 in either the men'sor women's division. In 50 years, Kenya and marathons will be aboutas synonymous as Jamaica and bobsledding.
Kenyatta: All right, I'll bet you both that by 2004, Kenya willbe kicking your nuke-toting butts from Hopkinton to Boylston.
Kennedy: What do we get if one of our, ah, boys beats you in the2004 race?
Khrushchev: Yeah, yeah. We're developing a five-year plan toproduce the greatest distance runners the world has ever seen. Webased it on the training program for this year's New York Yankeesteam. Our spies tell me that's the best team. Sorry, Jack (snicker,snicker).
Kenyatta: I promise that we'll go 1-2-3 and have seven of thetop 10 finishers in the men's race, and win the women's race, in2004. If any American places in the top five in either division,we'll join NATO. If any Soviet, man or woman, places in the topfive, we'll join the Warsaw Pact.
We're so confident that we'll still be running the 26.2-miletables on you by 2004, we're willing to give up our newlyindependent political freedom.
Kennedy: And what if we lose, what if we can't, ah, get a goodhometown runner?
Khrushchev: Don't think for a minute that we're going to giveyou our secret recipe for borscht.
Kenyatta: No, no, no, none of that. If we dominate the 2004Boston Marathon, then Major League Baseball has to bansteroids.
Kennedy and Khrushchev: Deal.
