How to look tough in the gym, without doing anything

Alright guys, everybody knows that if you want to be the big man on campus, you have to hit the gym. Really pump some iron. Push it to the max. That's what real men do. But there's a problem: you're feeling tired, or lazy, or weak, or whatever. If only there were some way you could look like you were working out with the top guns, but really just be bumming around with the guys.

Well, now you can! Just follow these ten easy tips, guaranteed to bolster your tough-guy persona, and you won't even have to break a sweat.

TIP ONE: Take excessively long breaks between sets. After you put down your weights, just sit there with an out-of-breath-but-still-determined look on your face. Check your watch every thirty seconds or so, so it looks like you're timing yourself. Get a rotation going with some friends; each additional person in your group can cut your workout time by up to 50 percent.

TIP TWO: Make sure your weights are way heavier than you can lift with proper form. Always sacrifice form for weight. Nobody notices whether you're doing an exercise right, as long as they see a gigantic dumbbell moving up and down a couple of times. Grab an even bigger dumbbell to just leave at your feet whenever you sit down.

TIP THREE: Be loud. When you drop your weights, make sure they land with a thud and bounce around. Clang weights onto the bar; get some resonance going. This gets the babes' attention and frightens away potential competitors. If you're with friends, take time in your rotation to just stand around and talk. Learn the names of some muscle groups (delts, quads, cloits), and practice using them in sentences: "These preacher curls really help hyperdeltonate my bicepular cloits." Emphasize key points by flexing.

TIP FOUR: Take frequent trips to the water fountain. But don't just drink and come back -- work on your walkover technique. Always take the path that goes in front of the most girls on cardio machines (so they can "check you out"). As you pass, rub one of your arms like it was sore from so much liftin.' Flex. And don't forget that tough facial expression!

TIP FIVE: Never lift legs. I mean, why bother? You can't flex your legs.

TIP SIX: Wait in line as often as possible. If you're waiting for a machine, act all impatient, like, "This guy is slowing me down and not even lifting that much weight." Then, as soon as you get on the machine, increase the weight, put it up once or twice, and then sit around for a long time (see tips one and two). When you leave, reset the machine so that the weight was 50 lbs heavier than what you were lifting. For free-weights, spend some time looking around like the weight you needed is taken. Before you leave, throw some extra ones on the bar and pretend to lift it once (this is called "maxing"). Never re-rack. And if you do, make sure you rack the lighter weights behind the heavy ones, so it looks like you were lifting more.

TIP SEVEN: Take up as much space as possible. Don't just sit at the bench, bring something -- a warm-up shirt, a pen and paper, a watch, anything -- and spread it out around you. Instead of re-racking weights, scatter them on the floor. This will keep bigger guys from standing too close to you (which would make you look smaller by comparison). Also, you can waste more time arranging all your stuff. This works even better if you're in a group.

TIPS EIGHT -- TEN: Never, under any circumstances, should you: a) wear sleeves, b) use a spotter, or c) stretch. These are the notorious "Three S's" that must be avoided at all costs, because they will make you look like a wuss.

Well, there you go! I'd write more, but my bicepular cloits are actin' up.

Timothy E. Bassell is a sophomore with an undeclared major.