What is it that compels people to throw parties? Why not just goto someone else's party? Why do people set themselves up for theinevitable spilled beers, kitchen raids, drunken brawls, passed outstrangers, and even the possible townie?
Now, I'm not talking about the kind of party where you andfifteen of your closest friends get together to sip cocktails andtalk about how much work you have to do tomorrow. I'm talking aboutan actual party, where your door is open to whoever might approachit. I'm talking about the kind of party where the usual five secondwalk from the kitchen to the bathroom becomes a squirming,contorting, ten-minute plunge into the abyss.
So, why? Why, I ask you? Is it because your bedroom is so closeto the dance floor? Is it home-field advantage? Is it for the samereason anyone in high school threw a party -- an attempt atpopularity? I don't know. But whether one lives in a frat or with abunch of people that one only sees once a week, almost everyonefeels the need to throw a party at some point in their collegecareers.
So you sit down with your housemates or your frat brothers andyou begin to plan. Everything has to be perfect. If the party isout of control and gets shut down, at least that's respectable. Butif barely anyone shows up, it's humiliating. If that happens, thenthe people that actually do come go up to you and are like, "What'sup? Where is everyone?" And all you can do is give that shrug. Theshrug that says, "I don't know. I guess I'm out of the loop. I'm aloser. Is that what you want to hear? HUH?"
You have to pick the right night. You don't want too muchcompetition. If you're in a good frat or you have a lot of friends,then you're in good shape. But if you're not, you'll need afailsafe. An edge. A hook. You need a theme.
You definitely need a theme that's going be conducive to girlsarriving scantily clad. You don't want some lame theme like "'80sNight," which will actually make girls wear worse clothes thannormal. You want something like "Cowboys and Schoolgirls." Or "PornStars and Schoolgirls." Basically, anything with schoolgirls. Ilike schoolgirls.
But those schoolgirl parties have been done. For a party to betruly great, you need an original theme. "Andy," you might say, "mybuddies and I are smart. Real smart. Scary smart. But we're notcreative. We have no imagination. We're engineers. We need yourhelp." All right. You asked for it. Here are some party themes Icame up with that are freaking sweet:
Rock Stars and Groupies: This theme is good because guyslook cool when they dress like rock stars and everyone knows thatgroupie is just another word for slut.
Sluts and Jocks With Chicken Pox: This theme has it all.Girls wearing very little. Guys getting to wear sports gear andpaint themselves with red dots, which will result in an evening ofhilarity. Plus, the pick-up line "Can you scratch this?" will worklike gangbusters.
Cheating Husbands and the Women Who Love Them: Thereisn't really anything to this theme. I just think it would be funnyto have a theme that sounds like the topic for the Montell WilliamsShow.
Sleazy Guys with Open Flies: I guess you couldn't reallydo this theme because there's no suggestion as to what the girlsshould wear. And they probably wouldn't be all that comfortablewith the open flies. Or the sleazy guys, for that matter. Still, itwould be funny.
Musical Chairs: You set chairs up all around the dancefloor. Every time the music stops, you either find a chair or youhave to leave the party. Multiple lap sittings are allowed.
Twister Party: You cover the dance floor in Twisterboards. The DJ of the party has the spinner, calls out the results,and everyone at the party has to play. Your ticket to rubbing upagainst that person you like is just one "right hand blue"away.
A Night at Playboy Mansion: All the guys dress up inpajamas like Hugh Heffner. The girls either come dressed as bunniesor sluts. And we all know what happens at those Playboy parties.For added effect, you can set up a kiddie pool in your room, throwa couple of rocks in it, and call it the grotto. Girls can't say noin a grotto. It's a freakin' grotto, man.
Spring Break: Who doesn't love Spring Break? The beach,the sun, the drinks, and, most importantly, the girls going wild.Them girls go wild, they do. So create that atmosphere in your veryown house. Give out plastic bracelets at the door. Set up heatlamps all over the place. Serve free punch that doesn't actuallyhave any alcohol in it. And, once the party is well underway, youstage a wet T-shirt contest. If no one volunteers, take the bucketsof water and throw them out onto the crowd.
Girls Who Aren't Gay But Make Out For Attention and Guys WhoAre Gay and Watch So No One Knows: This is obviously a stupidtheme. But do you think this has ever happened? Two girls and a guyviolating their own sexual inclinations for appearance's sake. Theirony is delicious.
Any of these themes, if properly carried out, are guaranteed toget you a big crowd. So use them, enjoy them, and party on. And, asArnold Schwarzenegger said in "Total Recall": "See you at thepahty, Richter."
