I'm stuck in a bad place. No, not outside a nightclub with Ray Lewis, I'm talking about the Thursday paper. Every week, by the time Thursday rolls around, other columnists have taken my stance.
I wanted to write about Philly sports, but then Alex Bloom came along with his Philly Phodder, and he's actually from Philadelphia. I'm from Harrisburg, which is separated from Philly by 100 miles of rednecks, deer, and towns with names like Macungie, so I guess he does sort of get prerogative on being the Philly insider.
Then I was going to write about "Friday Night Lights," but Tim Whelan, in a despicable display of columnist strategy, pre-empted me from seeing it last weekend by telling me he was going to write about it before me - and then he didn't even write about it! Columnist Saj Pothiawala even got in on the act by accusing me of stealing his material, which is the ultimate insult since he writes for the freaking Arts department.
I also want to avoid writing about the Red Sox as much as possible. And I don't want to scare off non-hardcore sports fans who are accidentally reading this, so I haven't written yet about why the Houston Rockets should run the triangle offense. And I'm still working up to writing about something serious, like why gays aren't accepted in sports. And since no one on the Portland Trailblazers has been arrested in a few days, this basically left me with only two options. One was to write about everything a week early. Like this:
"Carlos Beltran slammed his record 19th homerun of the postseason last night, leading the Houston Astros to their first-ever World Series championship.
"'It feels great,' Roger Clemens said. 'It has always been my dream to pitch for the Astros. They're really the only team in my career that's meant anything to me.'
"In a possibly related story, Brian Cashman was found dead early this morning."
The other idea was to think of things no one else possibly could. And that's why you're getting parallels between Star Wars and the Sports World:
Two ground rules: First, just to prove I'm not a dork, we'll stick to main characters. And second, we won't discuss the newer "movies," except to point out the similarities between Anna Kournikova as a tennis player (hot, can't play tennis) and Natalie Portman as Queen Amidala (hot, can't act). OK, let's do this:
The (Evil) Empire: The Yankees, of course. The only question is who gets what role. I would say that Joe Torre is Darth Vader and Steinbrenner is the emperor. But I can see Torre shooting out lightning bolts like the emperor does in "Return of the Jedi." Maybe Jeter is Vader, since each is the face of his respective organization. Also, when Luke takes off Vader's mask at the end, doesn't his face look incredibly like Don Zimmer's? Either way, A-Rod is the bounty hunter who only plays for money.
Pedro is Luke Skywalker. Both were more abrasive in their younger days. Both mature. Both have special qualities. Luke flirts with going to the dark side; Pedro probably will this winter when the Yanks make him an offer. And both have issues dealing with who their daddy is.
Speaking of the Yankees, I think they have one of those carbonite freezers that froze Han Solo in their clubhouse and they just keep people like Tony Clark and Ruben Sierra frozen there until they need them. How else is Kenny Lofton still playing baseball?
Han Solo? Kobe Bryant. Only cares about himself, yet superfun to watch. Chewbacca: Johnny Damon. Both are hairy goofballs who talk funny, yet it wouldn't be the same without them. Jeremy Shockey is a close second, sort of a homophobic Chewy.
Obi-Wan Kenobi has to be Phil Jackson, because only the Zen Master could remain so tranquil in such tense moments. Although when Vader says, "Now I am the master," can't you see Bill Belichick talking to Bill Parcells?
Lando Calrissian: the all-time traitor. Gives up his old pal Han in "The Empire Strikes Back," yet ends up winning in the end. Kind of like Clemens.
Jabba the Hut: The sports world has plenty of disgusting, self-centered slobs. But considering Han owed him money, he was probably involved in gambling, so you have to go with Pete Rose.
The Millennium Falcon is like Fenway Park. Both are hopelessly outdated - remember, the Falcon used human-manned gun turrets to fire at objects moving in space - yet sentimental and cozy.
Yoda: John Wooden. Is anyone older, wiser, and more loved? Ewoks: They were the most annoying things ever, kind of like Fox's animated talking baseball, Scooter. The old Jedi who have died out: Basketball players who knew how to play the game the right way. "A New Hope": LeBron James, obviously.
The scene in the garbage disposal when the walls are closing in on the heroes? That was like the Sox being down 3-0 - and wriggling out of it. Watching Luke try to battle Vader amidst the ridiculous contraptions and machinery that kept popping up at the end of "The Empire Strikes Back?" Almost as painful as it was watching Craig Biggio trying to run up that hill in centerfield in Minute Maid Park.
And three final questions to consider:
1) What's more drastic: the change between "A New Hope" breasts-taped-down Princess Leia and "Return of the Jedi" gold bikini Leia, or the change between 1988 Barry Bonds and 2001 Barry Bonds?
2) Why would you build a great weapon like the Death Star and then leave a weak point so exposed and accessible to the enemy? Was anything more ridiculously constructed? That's like when the Dallas Mavericks had Steve Nash, Nick Van Exel, Mike Finley, and Dirk Nowitzki - with Shawn Bradley defending the middle. Luke jetting through that trench for the kill shot is like Mike Bibby just slashing down the lane for an open layup.
3) You know Vader's power to choke people from a distance? Wouldn't that just be really useful for Bobby Knight?
