It looks like it's a right of passage for every sports columnist this side of Beijing to write about the Nov. 19 skirmish between Detroit Pistons fans and members of the Indiana Pacers. It's understandable though, because this was a bit different than usual brawls, which look more like scenes from West Side Story. I bet you have already read fourteen Detroit Fracas City articles, seen thirty-five angles of the Malice at Auburn Hills, and were more filled on Thanksgiving of the Melee in Motown than of stuffing and pumpkin pie.
But let's make it fifteen. Here's a breakdown of the chaos, Philly Phodder style. I have to get my two cents in on this one, because it's just that ridiculous.
1. The combatants
In this corner, weighing a combined 709 pounds and standing a monstrous 20 feet, 2 inches, we have Ron "Beer Me!" Artest, Jermaine "Haymaker" O'Neal, and Stephen "I'm gonna kill you Miss" Jackson of the Indiana Pacers.
And in the other corner, inebriated, pissed off, and in large numbers, we have the fans of the Detroit Pistons, led by an idiot throwing beverages, some crazy guy who thinks he should walk on the court to challenge Artest, and the chair-tossing dude.
Put them all together, add a flagrant foul on Ben Wallace, a pinch of ego, and a dash of danger, bake for almost 48 minutes, and you get the most embarrassing night in professional sports history.
2. The flagrant
So if you watch the game, you'll see that the brawl is heating up after two previous hard fouls that go uncalled because it's garbage time. Artest hit Wallace hard. But to say Wallace overreacted is an understatement.
You know Ben Wallace is tough. I know Ben Wallace is tough. Ron Artest knows Ben Wallace is tough. So why did Ben Wallace feel the need to reinforce his toughness?
There's 45.9 seconds left in the game. What is Ben Wallace going to prove by starting a street-yard fight with the most incorrigible hacker in the NBA? I've seen more maturity out of my 10-year-old sister.
3. The initial blow
What in the name of Mike Tyson was Artest thinking lying on that table like a sitting duck? Oh, that's right, he's Ron Artest. Do we need to run through his laundry list of credentials that make him eligible for his dubious achievement? Yes we do.
He led the league in the 2002-03 season with nine flagrant fouls.
He was suspended for 14 games in the last two seasons.
He threw a $100,000 camera in frustration after a loss in New York on Jan. 3, 2003.
He taunted the Miami Heat and coach Pat Riley, earning a four-game suspension.
He was fined for an obscene gesture to Cleveland fans after being hit by a quarter.
He was ordered to undergo 26 hours of anger management by a judge in the summer of 2002 following a domestic dispute with his girlfriend.
He was the lone gunman on the grassy knoll.
So it should be no surprise that this guy was taunting Detroit fans by lying on a table like he was relaxing as his players scuffled with the Pistons. No, Artest hasn't replaced Vernon "Mad Max" Maxwell, Dennis "The Bad Boy" Rodman, or Kenyon "K-Mart" Martin. Artest "The (insert derogatory expletive)" is on whole new level.
4. The Detroit fans
And you guys thought Philly fans were bad.
We may pelt Santa Claus with snowballs and cheer when Michael Irvin has a career ending injury. We may even face Judge Seamus McCaffrey in Veterans Stadium during Eagles games for public drunkenness and fighting other fans, but we aren't dumb enough to fight professional athletes.
Seriously, these must be the dumbest fans in America. How drunk and stupid do you have to be to think you can battle a 6'7", 250 pound machine who works out daily and has arms bigger than most people's legs?
The New York Times ran an op-ed on Monday, Nov. 22 by Robin Ficker, a Washington Wizards heckler, who actually lectured Detroit fans on how to harass players. I guess that kind of thing is necessary though.
5. Security
More like the lack thereof. Rick Mahorn had to dive into the stands. Security was never a problem when fans and players knew how to control themselves. But now you are going to see security by the players' benches and all over the court. Congratulations Detroit and Indiana. You have now ruined the fan experience.
6. The Suspensions
Too light. This type of thing can never, ever happen again. Players were pummeling the people who pad their paychecks (Aaah, alliteration, the lost art). Artest (gone for the season) got what he deserved, but Jackson (30 games) and O'Neal (25 games) could have received stiffer punishments. And Wallace (six games) got off incredibly easy.
7. The real solution
Banning beer isn't going to solve this problem, although it should be withheld from Pistons fans until 2005 as a punishment.
The NBA needs to institute an age limit. Players are too immature. Stephen Jackson and Jermaine O'Neal jumped to the NBA following high school. Artest spent two seasons at St. John's before entering the draft. Another idiot bad boy, Zach Randolph of Portland, also has no college education, just like Kobe Bryant, therapist and the poster child for bad behavior. Carmelo "Mellow out, it's my friend's marijuana" Anthony spent only one season at Syracuse.
These guys go from receiving parental curfews to receiving millions of dollars in endorsements. They are told that they are the greatest and treated like kings (King James out in Cleveland). It goes to a kid's head.
College experience mollifies egos and gives players the chance to sow their wild oats. There are many more restrictions and players come out of school much more mature and (hopefully) smarter than when they entered. Examples: Tim Duncan, Grant Hill, Ray Allen, and Paul Pierce, who all spent at least three seasons in college.
The NBA has huge problems after this ridiculous brawl and major changes have to be made.
Alex Bloom is a freshman who has not yet declared a major. He can be reached via e-mail at alexander.bloom@tufts.edu.
