Just because our country didn't elect a new President doesn't mean that Tufts shouldn't. While Larry Bacow hasn't done a horrible job as President, he hasn't done a great one either. During his short tenure at Tufts, Bacow has ruined the Naked Quad Run, cancelled last year's Spring Fling, failed to improve Tufts' national ranking in "U.S. World News and Report," killed our social life, never told us a funny joke and, most damningly, refused to give a thumbs up to the crowds outside his house after the Red Sox won the World Series and the ALCS.
I think that this is unacceptable, and moreover, I think that its time for Tufts to go in another direction.
We need our next President to be someone who is deeply committed to making your four years here as fun and worthwhile as they should be, someone who can recognize the "Animatrix" as one of the greatest works of art of the last decade, someone who gives hockey its due respect, someone who knows what it's like to get tested for the clap.
In short, we need Johnny College.
Well, I went and talked with the elusive JC himself. He had been holed up in an undisclosed Miller dorm room for a week hiding from his estranged ex-wife and seemed tense, but he took the time to give me a list of changes he would make as President of Tufts. Here you go ...
1. Hotung would be converted into a bar for students over 21. Imagine being able to stop in the Hotung bar between classes for a 48 ounce beer called the Jumbo, play some darts and then get back to doing whatever it is that you people do. And best of all, we could create a Tufts single dating scene at the bar and then drink enough Jumbos to forget about the back hair and thunder thighs.
2. There should be a place to rent go-carts on campus. Tufts is honestly too goddamn hilly to walk around, so instead of having to bust our asses all over this alp we should be able to rent quick, nimble go-carts at a reasonable rate. Helmets would be optional of course, and in the case of an accident, a fight to the death or submission shall decide the guilty party.
In the winter we would obviously switch over to snowmobiles, and pulling people behind on skis would be allowed and encouraged.
3. We need a fountain. Fountains are cool.
4. Get rid of the old useless cannon and get a real one. We're through dicking around with this soft, leisurely accepted vandalism. From now on the cannon will be operational and manned 24 hours a day, 7 days a week by a skilled and tested cannoneer.
If you want to paint the cannon, fine, but you'll have to contend with my Cousin Zeke all loaded up on speed firing ironshot at you first. This way when someone paints the cannon you'll know that they had something worthwhile to say, not just "Dewick has cheeseburgers!" or "I like crew!"
Nah, all that hippie bullcrap is done with. This is Zeke's house now.
5. We gotta get a real elephant. I'm sorry, but that statue on the Academic quad just isn't getting anyone all fired up to be a Jumbo. It'd be much better to see the real Jumbo walking around Frat Row, chilling on the President's lawn grazing on some bushes, smashing the Ticket Maid's car apart.
Yeah, we definitely need to get a real elephant here. Football games would be a lot cooler with the elephant too, and if you show me a law that says mascots can't play linebacker in collegiate games, then I'll show you another rule we need to change.
6. More ping-pong tables everywhere.
7. All incoming freshman will be forced to watch "PCU," "Animal House," and "Old School" before being allowed on campus. Some people would say that vaccinations and physicals are far more important than watching these films, but c'mon, when was the last time a flu shot taught you how to live your life?
8. Admissions will have to be changed drastically as well. No longer will we emphasize annoying virtues such as a "hard work ethic" or "good grades." Instead we'll be relying heavily on interviews to determine if a given candidate for admission is or is not in fact a tool, IQ tests, and general knowledge of both Led Zeppelin and the Grateful Dead.
People who work hard are by no means any better off in our opinion because, as everyone knows, hard work is just for people short on talent.
9. This campus needs at least one waterslide.
10. And I, as President, would finally get rid of the crackhead that lives on your porch once for all. I'm not saying I'm going to kill the guy, but rather I'm pledging to make him a full professor. You'd be surprised, but you can learn a lot more useful information from one conversation with a crackhead than you can from an entire semester of astronomy classes.
This is it, Johnny College's platform for the Presidency of Tufts University. If you like what you've read here, please don't make a petition against Bacow. Petitions are for sad, pathetic people who spend their dead lives trying to protect their tired belief systems and scared thought processes with nothing more than a handful of other cowards' signatures.
No, instead put up a sign, make a shirt or punch a Republican. Do something concrete, I beg of you, do something worthwhile and noble in support of our esteemed candidate Johnny College.
